I'm glad I went!

 (winter 2015) along the eastern shoreline of northern Michigan.

 

I managed to go to Bible study yesterday. It was touch and go there at first though...Jeff woke me up at 6 am so that I could drive him to work, and I got up and came out into the living room and then mumbled something about changing my mind, not going...too tired, then went back to bed. I laid there for ten minutes chiding myself...reasoning that I am awake, and I know I won't be able to get back to sleep despite the fact that I tossed and turned all night long from the anxiety; so I returned to the living room and told Jeff I was going, and I heard him laugh...Well, it IS a woman's prerogative to change her mind, right?

I'm glad I went to Bible study. It was a nice lesson, and we all had much to share. Afterwards I went over to Flo's house to help her with her printer. I couldn't fix it and hope I didn't make the problem worse. I'm trying to think of something to do to help her situation as she has been writing out our lessons by hand every week, and getting hand cramps and eye strain doing so. My own printer does not work properly either or else she would be using it.
I didn't stay long at Flo's as short visits are all I can really handle...especially after a 3 hour long Bible study. I ran an errand in the morning before going to the church, so I went directly home after visiting Flo's house.
I picked Jeff up from work later and we did the shopping...The anxiety did not hit me all day long until standing in line at the store. I really wanted to throw up. I'm so relieved I didn't...but I was drenched in sweat and had a headache by the time we walked back to the van with our groceries.
At least the anxiety did not show up sooner like it normally does...This is progress!
Thank you, Lord.

Changing My Focus

I tried to focus in on this single red maple leaf when the bells began to loudly chime ...at the foot of the Cross in the Woods. I was overcome with emotion as I watched the people seated there stand up and turn towards the sound...I imagined the Savior's voice ringing out loudly announcing to His people that He is there with them as they pray.
(at 'The Cross In The Woods Chapel in Indian River, Michigan 2014)

Having cancer has changed me in many ways. One of the things that changed drastically is my concept of time. I don't view time the same way as before. Life is shorter than I used to think it was, therefore, I don't want to waste as much time doing things that are unnecessary and useless, and less than enjoyable.

I want to remain focused on the things God wants me to be focused on.
I have come to the conclusion (or maybe it's an epiphany) that there is not enough time to change everything about myself, so I had better at least try to change some of the things that really do not or should not be a part of my identity...and to stop wasting time trying to be someone who I am not!
One major way that cancer has changed me:...My life must be lived completely by faith that God is in control now...that the cancer will not come back or a new cancer will not show up...and if it does, God will take care of me and my family.
Every cancer patient lives with some fear about this for the rest of their lives...Only faith conquers fear.I want to remain focused on the things God wants me to be focused on.



* UPDATE* October 2017...

The cancer is back. I am now living with Metastatic Breast cancer.

Revive

 The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;   Psalm. 19:7

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. Is. 57:15

I'm reviving this blog in an effort to share what everyday life as a cancer survivor with agoraphobia and panic disorder is really like...So here goes!

Today I have Bible study.
Last week it was cancelled because of heavy snowfall. The week before that, I had a bad panic attack just before it was time to leave, and I was scared because it lasted a long time and then just when it passed and I thought it was going to be OK to leave, another one began. I called Jeff and told him I did not want to chance having another bad attack that might paralyze me again...especially when I am alone and driving, I really cut it close last time when I barely made it into my yard before slumping over the steering wheel and having to go to the ER.
So here I am asking the Lord for more grace once again...Doris called yesterday and asked if I'd be there today...I've already missed church twice, last Sunday I wasn't feeling well, and the Sunday before we had that snow storm. I know with the Lord's help I can do this...I can get into my van and drive the 7 miles to the church, and once I get there and see my friends...It will all be worth it!

There are two older ladies, one of whom is my Bible study teacher, and the other is Doris, both of whom were at this church waaay back when I used to take my girls there when they were little; these two women are like my mothers, and they are aware of the anxiety and agoraphobia, and how hard I must fight to go to church and Bible study. They literally have to hold my hand sometimes, and they completely understand when there are times I must get up and leave to go sit in the ladies room during the 'meet and greet' part of the services. And Flo, my teacher tells me how proud she is of me when I am able to actually stay through it and greet people too. This is very encouraging.
So, I'm doing this.
I don't want to keep going into my bathroom and face the scripture that I have hanging next to the mirror every single day that says:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13
and not put those words into action!
And in the words of an old song...
"Here I go again on my own, facing all the lonely roads I've ever known ..So I've made up my mind, I ain't wastin' no more time." (by: Whitesnake 1982 'saints and sinners' album)

Life goes on

 

It's another cool fall like day here in the north woods. The sun is shining though.

Last spring I found a nest containing two newly hatched cardinals...

The parents had entrusted me with their babies enough that

they placed the nest next to my bedroom window.

I found the nest only the day before we were to leave for

our first camping trip for three days.

Imagine my sadness when we returned to find the

nest completely empty, except for a feather or two.

Several weeks later, I noticed the fledgling photographed

above being fed by the parent cardinals...I was once

again reminded by nature, that life goes on, continuing

the cycle of life and death and rebirth here on planet earth.

By the way, I thought I had committed the 'Cardinal Sin' when I had

removed the empty nest, and shortly afterwards, witnessed

one of the cardinals searching through the bush looking for it!

Looking for the answer online as to whether cardinals reuse their

nests, I was relieved to learn that they do not.

 

Today is Thursday, which means it is our normal shopping day, which means I

awoke in a panic and have had to deal with trying to keep the anxiety symptoms

manageable. I hope to have it under control by the time Jeff gets home from work

and we leave for our 40 mile trip to Walmart. It is so strange that I actually can

handle going to that huge grocery store better than the local small town stores

here close to home. I can feel lost in the crowd at the big store, and that suits

me just fine as I can hide in the crowd of people, and draw little to no attention

to myself...at least until it is time to check out...That is when the shakes and the

sweats start, and the world seems to shrink down so small that I can hardly breathe!

The few times that I have had to undergo this torment alone, without my Safe person

(either Jeff or daughter Sarah) I felt as though I might just evaporate into a puddle of

quivering nerves and cold sweat! Thank the Lord Jeff understands the importance of

him going along with me on these weekly shopping excursions.

 

 

 



From the Hilltop



He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights.

Psalm 18:33



 

It has been such a long time since I've written a post!

The weather is beginning to cool, and the days are growing shorter as we approach autumn in the north woods once again.

I am doing what I do naturally at this time of year...I turn inward.

I am a nester, and as an agoraphobic, I  tend to find security and comfort within the walls of my home...or within the canopy of trees in our forest yard. My dear husband and faithful dogs by my side.

I am out of active cancer treatment at this time...It has been nine months since my last infusion and I now only bear the scar where my port catheter once was. It is a testimony to the year that the Good Lord allowed me to endure life with cancer. It was also a year of GRACE, extra grace!

I am now relegated to seeing my oncologist every six months, and to seeing my surgeon every six months as well, I have an appointment coming up with the latter. I will be discussing the fact that now, nearly two years later, I am having quite a lot of discomfort in the area where I had the double mastectomy...lots of tightness and a stinging, burning sensation that I refer to as 'cigarette burns'...(I got burned on my knee accidently when I was little when I swung up onto my oldest brother's neck while he was holding his cigarette, and I ran my knee into it.) THAT is the sensation that I get pretty much daily now around my side and back area adjacent to the mastectomy scar...It is the regeneration of nerve endings...or phantom pain. The tightness occurs all across my chest and feels like a tight vice squeezing me...this is often referred to as an 'iron bra' feeling...Well, lately it feels as though there are brass knuckles pushing into my ribcage as well! I am not complaining though...I have actually grown quite accustomed to these weird sensations, and I know it could be so much worse! After all I am still alive and able to write this...so I do still have all of my faculties, and I really do believe that God has made / is making me a better person through everything I have endured.

It is strange, but I am actually having a tougher time dealing with the anxiety than I ever had with going through cancer! I recently needed to go to the ER because I had a paralyzing anxiety attack at church two months ago...and I have not been able to go back since. In fact, I've not been able to go anywhere by myself other than to the Lake to meet with my friend Deb, and to the park for our ladies Bible study group picnic. I do miss attending church, but as the ER doctor stated...I cannot push myself too far alone, and going someplace where there is so much sensory stimulation (the sights and sounds, and even the various smells) of a large group of people...is just too much for me to handle.

I was able to handle going to the oncologist every three weeks for my infusion for a year, because it was always very quiet in there, and I felt safe and secure there after only a couple appointments...so it became one of my 'safe zones'...You see, we agoraphobics have certain 'safe zones' and 'safe people'...these are places and people that we can be in and with without experiencing the dreaded anxiety and suffer the impending panic attacks that keep us homebound most of the time.

So, why am I writing now after all this time? It is pretty simple...my internet service has been working better than ever now after many months with slow, sometimes non existent service! Also, as I found with trying to find blogs dealing with breast cancer from a Christian perspective, I have not been very successful finding blogs dealing with agoraphobia from a Christian perspective either...let alone anyone who is a Christian with breast cancer and agoraphobia both! So, here I am creating a blog about an agoraphobic Christian woman with breast cancer. I have always prided myself on being a one of a kind, lol!

So, what is God doing in my life lately? I have been asking myself that question quite a lot, especially since that last really bad panic attack struck me in church...after all, I thought he wanted me to be back in church...Well, I am forced to look not at the circumstances in my life, but to focus on the Lord's will for me...how he has equipped and gifted me with spiritual gifts in order to be of some use to His Kingdom here on earth. After all, He has set me upon this hill in order to gain a new perspective.

Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works,

and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

 Matt.5:16

So, here I am, writing about my strange life in hopes of reaching out to someone who is in a similar situation, hoping to be able to encourage and even help them with their own struggle either with cancer or with anxiety or both...maybe you are not living with anxiety to the extreme that I am, or maybe you have a different form of cancer, or other serious life threatening disease, I don't know...but it is my hope that you can find something of use , some kind of comfort as you read the words I write down on these pages. If you are reading this, maybe God sent you here, maybe you are my reason for writing this today?

 

Blessings & Love, and always remember...

we are... ~Never Forsaken~

This New Day

But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your loving kindness in the morning, For You have been my stronghold And a refuge in the day of my distress.  Psalm 59:16

I spent a good portion of this morning looking for some encouragement online... a blog or a site especially for Christian women with breast cancer...or any cancer for that matter. I couldn't find too many...and then I thought: Well, if you cannot find it...create it! 

Then I remembered that I did create such a blog many months ago, but never made it public because that would mean letting my guard down and becoming vulnerable; but...vulnerability is required if you are intent upon sharing your life story, IF you are to be truthful and willing to expose even the ugly or the tough stuff...for that is part of it too, not everything is pink ribbons and sunshine after all...or purple ribbons, or orange ribbons etc..

But...Jesus is with us through it all, and that is what makes it bearable, even JOY-full at times. Again I am reminded through scripture that we are called to bear one another's burdens also.

So, this morning begins a new day...I woke up with the reminder that I still need the Lord, and with the awareness that I am still learning to function under the new normal, but it is okay to admit that I do miss the old normal.

People without cancer cannot understand that...not really.

If anyone with cancer is reading this, you probably know what it is to feel that certain disconnection from the rest of the population...our whole concept of time has changed, our perspective is different...and not always a better different either.

No longer do I plan too far ahead; gone are the conversations I used to have with my husband concerning our retirement plans, or the use of the word: "someday". For today is now 'someday'. Tomorrow is more uncertain than ever... Sometimes I feel like I am only a scan away from the end of life...therefore, I cannot afford to live in the future...I must live my life one day at a time.

I know, I know....That is no way to think! But this is my truth now...Thank the Lord I am not alone with all of this...For Jesus walks beside me, and tells me that today is enough for now...and tomorrow, whether I am here...or wake up in heaven with Him...It is all a part of His plan for me, and it is more than okay.

For the sake of my husband and children, I do hope and pray for many more years...It is a possibility. 

But for now, I will just have to be content with this new day.

This is the day that the Lord has made;
    let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24

The shadow of death

So I deleted this blog once; (and accidentally deleted my main blog in the process!)....I thought it was unnecessary to have another blog, one dedicated to the cancer...I was wrong.
I found myself wanting to write about the struggles associated with having cancer in my daily life and I considered posting about it on my main blog, but whenever I wanted to write about it on there I found I was having trouble doing so. I also thought about posting on the forum of a Christian Simmers website that I am a member of, it just did not seem to be the right place, even though I have forged some really good friendships with some people with whom I feel I can share so much...But I just could not bring myself to start a new thread all about me and this disease.

So here I am.  

I just got off the phone with the nurse navigator (Jessica)whom I hadn't spoke with in some time. 
She asked about how I was doing, and I told her that physically I was doing really well, but I told her about how mentally I am still coping with the disease.
I have told my oncologist (Dr. Hurtubise) That I wish I was more like some of his patients whom I have met who don't want to know about their disease...and I respect their decision, but that is just not me.
I have done my research and I now know that this type of breast cancer (Her2+) has a higher risk of recurrence, and that usually manifests in the brain...I also told him that I am following the latest studies of a new drug that can actually penetrate the BBB (Blood Brain Barrier)...called ANG1005.
Whenever I mention recurrence, he always tells me not to worry about that, and that my chances are low, and not to develop a brain met just to test out that drug lol!
But I do worry...not as much about dying as you might think, but of losing my mind (literally) to this disease!
Just getting older, never mind having a potentially fatal disease is difficult to adjust to...I have lost my breasts, I've lost much of my agility because of vertigo and arthritis... [Osteoarthritis was diagnosed in my spine at age 40, though it started much sooner than that.]
So my brain is all I have left...my thoughts, my words, my passions and ability to communicate are the most important things to me...even more now.

Just in this past week I have learned of two women who died from cancer...neither of them had breast cancer, but that does not matter...it brings it home to me, the seriousness of this illness...And though I do believe that at the moment I no longer have cancer in my body, that does not erase the fact that it is a specter that looms over me, and will for the rest of my life now.
As I told Jessica, it is a matter of faith...reining in those thoughts that come up each day...faith in God sustains me...but i also have faith in what human beings can do if they are willing and able...as that also comes from God as well!