My own 'Room' story

I have finished reading 'Room' by Emma Donahue...it is a movie now too. You can Google it and watch the trailer...It's a very good read.
It brought back some of my own childhood memories. Although I wasn't as young as the character 'Jack' in the story, I was confined to my room for many years when I was a child. Six years total...and my own Ma helped to make it(my room), into a world all my own, complete with a TV (which was unheard of in a kid's room back in those days). I remember reading through a set of medical and science encyclopedias that were stored in my closet. I had to sneak them though because I was not supposed to bother them as my stepdad's family had brought them from Hungary a long time ago. Thankfully, they were written in English.

 Also, unlike the story, I didn't have a cuddly relationship with my mom, nor did we play games or do anything together, as she would get in trouble with the stepdad if she spent too much time in my room with me...She was really held prisoner there herself, only instead of not being allowed out of a room, she wasn't allowed in it...She had to always be out there with him in the small living room, far away at the other end of the trailer, away from me.

Unlike the child in the story, I was allowed to go to school, but unfortunately I really hated school, the other kids always bullied me because I was different...I couldn't wait to come home, and after chores I had to go back into my room, that's where I ate, and read books, did artwork, and watched TV.

I really loved anything science or nature related, and I usually watched PBS shows. Of course, back then there were only 3 or four channels to choose from.
Well, there is much more to this story, but I am mentally exhausted just from thinking about it all again.
Maybe I'll write more about it at some other time.

I'm glad I went!

 (winter 2015) along the eastern shoreline of northern Michigan.

 

I managed to go to Bible study yesterday. It was touch and go there at first though...Jeff woke me up at 6 am so that I could drive him to work, and I got up and came out into the living room and then mumbled something about changing my mind, not going...too tired, then went back to bed. I laid there for ten minutes chiding myself...reasoning that I am awake, and I know I won't be able to get back to sleep despite the fact that I tossed and turned all night long from the anxiety; so I returned to the living room and told Jeff I was going, and I heard him laugh...Well, it IS a woman's prerogative to change her mind, right?

I'm glad I went to Bible study. It was a nice lesson, and we all had much to share. Afterwards I went over to Flo's house to help her with her printer. I couldn't fix it and hope I didn't make the problem worse. I'm trying to think of something to do to help her situation as she has been writing out our lessons by hand every week, and getting hand cramps and eye strain doing so. My own printer does not work properly either or else she would be using it.
I didn't stay long at Flo's as short visits are all I can really handle...especially after a 3 hour long Bible study. I ran an errand in the morning before going to the church, so I went directly home after visiting Flo's house.
I picked Jeff up from work later and we did the shopping...The anxiety did not hit me all day long until standing in line at the store. I really wanted to throw up. I'm so relieved I didn't...but I was drenched in sweat and had a headache by the time we walked back to the van with our groceries.
At least the anxiety did not show up sooner like it normally does...This is progress!
Thank you, Lord.

Changing My Focus

I tried to focus in on this single red maple leaf when the bells began to loudly chime ...at the foot of the Cross in the Woods. I was overcome with emotion as I watched the people seated there stand up and turn towards the sound...I imagined the Savior's voice ringing out loudly announcing to His people that He is there with them as they pray.
(at 'The Cross In The Woods Chapel in Indian River, Michigan 2014)

Having cancer has changed me in many ways. One of the things that changed drastically is my concept of time. I don't view time the same way as before. Life is shorter than I used to think it was, therefore, I don't want to waste as much time doing things that are unnecessary and useless, and less than enjoyable.

I want to remain focused on the things God wants me to be focused on.
I have come to the conclusion (or maybe it's an epiphany) that there is not enough time to change everything about myself, so I had better at least try to change some of the things that really do not or should not be a part of my identity...and to stop wasting time trying to be someone who I am not!
One major way that cancer has changed me:...My life must be lived completely by faith that God is in control now...that the cancer will not come back or a new cancer will not show up...and if it does, God will take care of me and my family.
Every cancer patient lives with some fear about this for the rest of their lives...Only faith conquers fear.I want to remain focused on the things God wants me to be focused on.



* UPDATE* October 2017...

The cancer is back. I am now living with Metastatic Breast cancer.

Revive

 The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;   Psalm. 19:7

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. Is. 57:15

I'm reviving this blog in an effort to share what everyday life as a cancer survivor with agoraphobia and panic disorder is really like...So here goes!

Today I have Bible study.
Last week it was cancelled because of heavy snowfall. The week before that, I had a bad panic attack just before it was time to leave, and I was scared because it lasted a long time and then just when it passed and I thought it was going to be OK to leave, another one began. I called Jeff and told him I did not want to chance having another bad attack that might paralyze me again...especially when I am alone and driving, I really cut it close last time when I barely made it into my yard before slumping over the steering wheel and having to go to the ER.
So here I am asking the Lord for more grace once again...Doris called yesterday and asked if I'd be there today...I've already missed church twice, last Sunday I wasn't feeling well, and the Sunday before we had that snow storm. I know with the Lord's help I can do this...I can get into my van and drive the 7 miles to the church, and once I get there and see my friends...It will all be worth it!

There are two older ladies, one of whom is my Bible study teacher, and the other is Doris, both of whom were at this church waaay back when I used to take my girls there when they were little; these two women are like my mothers, and they are aware of the anxiety and agoraphobia, and how hard I must fight to go to church and Bible study. They literally have to hold my hand sometimes, and they completely understand when there are times I must get up and leave to go sit in the ladies room during the 'meet and greet' part of the services. And Flo, my teacher tells me how proud she is of me when I am able to actually stay through it and greet people too. This is very encouraging.
So, I'm doing this.
I don't want to keep going into my bathroom and face the scripture that I have hanging next to the mirror every single day that says:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13
and not put those words into action!
And in the words of an old song...
"Here I go again on my own, facing all the lonely roads I've ever known ..So I've made up my mind, I ain't wastin' no more time." (by: Whitesnake 1982 'saints and sinners' album)