This is the story about the life of a woman changed forever by breast cancer.
This is my story.
From the beginning I have described this as a journey through rooms. Rooms that the Lord has gone before and prepared for me...Rooms in which I am never alone.


Why I write this blog...

To start afresh ...with a blog that shows the inside of my heart more...Who I am as a [real] person, a Christian woman, uniquely created by an Awesome God. This blog will mostly be about my life with breast cancer, anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia. Though these diseases do not define me, they are a part of my reality...& part of my life. I once said that I would not make 'My Heart's Home' all about cancer...and I found that hard not to do... since cancer became an uninvited, unwelcome guest in my life who threatened to take over unless I gave it a place and set some boundaries. Attempting to ignore its existence only gave it more power to wreak havoc as it threatened to dismantle the interior of my life while I struggled to keep it hidden in the shadows. So here I am writing this new blog.

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13
Wow...According to that scripture (which is speaking of evil things that are kept in secret) If I expose cancer by dragging its sorry butt out from the darkness where it lurks, and bring it out into the Light where we can take a good look at it...Shining the Light of Christ on it......then it can produce good things...right living and truth! ( vs.9)
8) In the past you were full of darkness, but now you are full of light in the Lord. So live like children who belong to the light. 9) This light produces every kind of goodness, right living, and truth..
14) Yes, everything is made clear by the light. This is why we say,“Wake up, you who are sleeping! Rise from death,and Christ will shine on you.”Ephesians 5: 8-14

Writing about my life gives me purpose...

Romans 8:28... And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
All things...not just the good things, the fun things, the nice things in life...If we love God and are living according to his purpose...everything will work out for our good...even cancer.
I hope this blog will reflect more of the true me, as I try to live my life in the light of Christ...I am not going to attempt to fit into any clique, I have never been able to fit into cliques anyway, and always seemed to lose a piece of myself while trying. Just like the human heart that beats within my chest, this blog is a part of me...It has inner chambers or rooms where few have entered in. This is where the truth resides...no phony facade, nothing artificial added ....Only the truth will be revealed here as I attempt to shine the light of Christ into every darkened corner in my life. So feel free to join me as we take a tour through the rooms of my life...but be forewarned: I tend to re-arrange a lot!

May you find many blessings and much love here...& always remember that we are... ~NEVER FORSAKEN~

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The shadow of death


So I deleted this blog once; (and accidentally deleted my main blog in the process!)....I thought it was unnecessary to have another blog, one dedicated to the cancer...I was wrong.
I found myself wanting to write about the struggles associated with having cancer in my daily life and I considered posting about it on my main blog, but whenever I wanted to write about it on there I found I was having trouble doing so. I also thought about posting on the forum of a Christian Simmers website that I am a member of, it just did not seem to be the right place, even though I have forged some really good friendships with some people with whom I feel I can share so much...But I just could not bring myself to start a new thread all about me and this disease.

 So here I am.  

 I just got off the phone with the nurse navigator (Jessica)whom I hadn't spoke with in some time. 
She asked about how I was doing, and I told her that physically I was doing really well, but I told her about how mentally I am still coping with the disease.
I have told my oncologist (Dr. Hurtubise) That I wish I was more like some of his patients whom I have met who don't want to know about their disease...and I respect their decision, but that is just not me.
I have done my research and I now know that this type of breast cancer (Her2+) has a higher risk of recurrence, and that usually manifests in the brain...I also told him that I am following the latest studies of a new drug that can actually penetrate the BBB (Blood Brain Barrier)...called ANG1005.
Whenever I mention recurrence, he always tells me not to worry about that, and that my chances are low, and not to develop a brain met just to test out that drug lol!
But I do worry...not as much about dying as you might think, but of losing my mind (literally) to this disease!
Just getting older, never mind having a potentially fatal disease is difficult to adjust to...I have lost my breasts, I've lost much of my agility because of vertigo and arthritis... [Osteoarthritis was diagnosed in my spine at age 40, though it started much sooner than that.]
So my brain is all I have left...my thoughts, my words, my passions and ability to communicate are the most important things to me...even more now.

 Just in this past week I have learned of two women who died from cancer...neither of them had breast cancer, but that does not matter...it brings it home to me, the seriousness of this illness...And though I do believe that at the moment I no longer have cancer in my body, that does not erase the fact that it is a specter that looms over me, and will for the rest of my life now.
As I told Jessica, it is a matter of faith...reining in those thoughts that come up each day...faith in God sustains me...but i also have faith in what human beings can do if they are willing and able...as that also comes from God as well!
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