This diary is a personal journal written from the beginning when I was first diagnosed with IDC :stage 2b/ grade 3 Her2+ breast cancer...An aggressive form of breast cancer that was discovered six months after having a clean mammogram. I found a lump on my right breast last June, but thought it was a fibroadema. The mammogram did not show it...When the lump did not go away I had an ultrasound and then a biopsy on December 13th 2013.
I underwent a bi-lateral mastectomy the day after Christmas. I told everyone that the first Christmas God sent us the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ...But this Christmas (2013), I was given a special gift...A second chance at life!
NUMB
When the surgeon said it is cancer, I turned a shade paler.
They were afraid I might faint and they told my husband to be ready to catch me…But I didn't faint, instead I said it was a hard thing to hear and turned and walked into the small bathroom adjacent to the room where I had the biopsy done.
There was no mirror to look at in there as I took off the pink gown that matched the shade of my lipstick perfectly and put my blouse back on.
I threw the gown on the floor next to the toilet, and waited a moment before opening the door to face my husband.
We exited the room to find a crowd standing there. It was the kind surgeon who had said the one word that would forever change our lives, and his staff…They joked that they were the welcoming committee, and I smiled and though I knew it was only a joke, I remember wondering what it was they were welcoming us into since we were leaving from there.
Jeff carried the bio-hazard bag containing the small cup with the tissue from my biopsy in it. We were instructed to take it over to the lab across the short parking lot. I gave the receptionist my paperwork, and she gave me my appointment card, telling me to call or come in before if I needed anything. I thanked her and she said “God bless you, Lisa.” I had sensed she was a Christian when I talked to her on the phone the week prior…and I noticed her cross necklace as soon as I had signed in that day…I wondered if she had sensed it about me too…but I could not bring myself to say anything…my lips seemed unable to move past the numbness that pervaded my entire body at the time.
I walked straight to the closet in the waiting room and took my coat and scarf from the hanger and put it on…still numb…moving as if on auto-pilot.
Jeff opened the door and we walked out into the hospital corridor with its multi-colored walls where large paintings of flowers hung…Jeff kept wondering if we were heading the right way…but I just kept reassuring him not to worry as I followed the route back to the front reception area where we first entered…I just kept going until we reached the lab building across the way.
Hand in hand we walked to the reception desk and when we were asked to wait, my back gave out and I had to sit until they called my name to come up and sign over the sample that Jeff still held…I did not want to touch it. Even though the nurse had shown it to me shortly after they removed it from my body. It looked like a white worm. Even though logic told me it was not a real worm, that it was only tissue …I knew it was something far more sinister than a worm.
Even now, two days later I imagine the thing slithering and morphing as it floats there in the lab awaiting the pathologist who will study it under the microscope tomorrow. It is just my imagination, I know.
CLARITY
On the drive home I told my husband that things looked clearer than they had ever looked before. It was like I had my eyes wide open for the first time in my life.
I told him that priorities were shifting very quickly and settling into place…He said “I know.”
This, I told him, was where the rubber meets the road concerning our faith in God. He agreed.
We talked about what we might do. We had an appointment that next Friday or sooner if they got my results back earlier in the week. He said that whatever I decided he would support me 100 %.
When we got home I called our daughter Sarah. She and I had already had a good talk about the possibility that this could be cancer. She took the news well, and reassured me that she was praying, and that she did not have a bad feeling about this…that everything was going to be OK.
I sent an email to my friend Deb. She emailed me back asking to call her if I needed to talk. I let her know I would be fine as long as Jeff was home for the weekend, but to stand by next week as I would be waiting for that phone call. I let the ladies who had been praying for me on a Christian forum know what the surgeon said. I couldn't let anyone know on my own blog site though, since I hadn't told our other two daughters yet…and I didn't want them to read about it on there.
I had been researching breast cancer for a couple weeks now, forcing myself to view photos of mastectomies. I decided now was the time to share my findings with Jeff, sparing him the photos though. We spent the rest of the evening talking about it. We smiled at each other, and held hands, and reassured one another that we would get through this.
I straightened up the house a bit before going to bed…out of habit. But suddenly, it no longer mattered if things were perfect, or that our coats were still hung over the kitchen chairs. I didn't care that the hairspray and deodorant were left out on the bathroom sink…As long as things were relatively clean, I just did not care. I would not be taking photos of our living space for any home magazine or websites after all…The thought of such things seemed so very silly to me now. Why had I wasted so many years worrying about how someone might judge me based on how my home looked!
Time, the thought of it…the concept of it was different now.
I joined Jeff in bed. I waited until I knew he had fallen asleep and then I let the tears soak silently into my pillow before drifting off to sleep myself. I didn't dream.
PROCESSING
Saturday morning I woke up, and had to remind myself that things are not the same anymore. Even though the pipes still freeze, the dogs still needed fed, and the bills need to be paid…Things were very different now, though I couldn't be quite sure just how and where that change might manifest itself throughout the days to come. I thanked God for another day just as I always did…But I meant it more now.
Jeff and I got ready to do some grocery shopping. I had developed a nasty cold sore right on the center of my lip (probably from the stress), and I needed medicine for it…I also strangely, needed to get out of the house, even though I felt more tired than I had felt in a long time despite having a good night’s sleep, (from sheer exhaustion).
We dressed in matching flannel shirts, which Jeff thought was cute, but was lost on me…since my mind was still in a strange fog. I laughed when appropriate, and smiled when expected…I did dishes and cooked and did the laundry earlier that morning…like a robot. I still felt that certain peace tightly threaded throughout the day. Jesus was with me.
After running our errands, I was glad to be headed home. I told Jeff I planned to have a sleep day Sunday, the next day. He thought that was a great idea.
When we arrived home there was a Christmas card from my friend Brenda in Ohio. We had not spoken for more than a year. She had written in the card that she never wanted to lose touch with me again like that and to call her…What would I say to her after all these months…and now with this news? I felt sick.
We ate our deli chicken and the coleslaw that I had made. Our oldest daughter had called. We decided we would not tell our two oldest daughters what the surgeon said…we would wait until the phone call the next week so as not to worry them already. But when she asked me what the surgeon said…I told her everything. She took it hard…though she was trying to conceal it…I could hear it in her voice. I could not seem to reassure her either.
I reminded her that she had survived cancer herself, and that she knew a woman who also survived breast cancer. She said she knew, but she was worried because that woman had to go through chemotherapy and everything…I told her I would do fine…and not to worry.
After that phone call I told Jeff I didn't know what to say…I hadn't planned on telling her yet. He said it was very hard for him to listen to that phone conversation.
I tried to play a computer game to take my mind off of everything while Jeff went to bed. It didn't work.
UNRAVELING
I started feeling scared and alone. It was the first time since the day before that I didn't feel wrapped up in the embrace of Jesus…I put away my laptop, brushed my teeth, and found Jeff in the bedroom watching a sit-com. I removed my earrings setting them in the little dish on my dresser, and fell into his arms…He was laughing at something that was said on the show…I was crying…He held me…We cried without words until I could not cry any longer. I laid with my back to him, my arms covering my breasts…They weren’t mine any longer…I was letting go. I knew things were going to change very soon.
I turned around and placed my hand on Jeff’s wet cheek and said. “Our lives are going to change after next week.” He said nothing, just nodded.
The phone rang at 4 am…There was a snowstorm and Jeff was being called out to plow roads. He told me who was calling and asked if I would be alright if he left. I said yes. He told me to sleep in, I said I would, but I couldn't. Words started filling my mind, and I knew I had to start writing.
Jeff tried to call me from his cell phone around 11 am. The wireless phone line was not working, but the LAN line phone worked….My first thought was that the phone was broken and now the doctor would not be able to reach me this week! I felt like the enemy was attacking again…But it was only the storm, I reasoned that even if it wasn't fixed I could always use my cell phone to contact the office to give them that number. It shook me how scared I was at that one little incident. I started doubting my coping ability altogether. I needed God’s Word to counteract this negativity that I was up against. I still had to call our daughter in Indiana…the one I was dreading most.
That was the hardest part…Telling people. Their reaction dictates whether or not you can hold onto any resolve you may have built up so far…If they don’t take it well…if there is no reassuring them…It brings all the fear to the surface, and you start to wonder if you will make it after all; you begin envisioning a future for them without you in it…How will they cope…That is the worst feeling of all…What it will do to your loved ones if they have to lose you from their lives. It is a sick feeling; a leaden weight sinking to the pit of my stomach…It leaves me cold. I long for the warmth of God’s peace wrapped around me again…even the numbness that I felt back in the surgeon’s office would be more welcomed than this.
I underwent a bi-lateral mastectomy the day after Christmas. I told everyone that the first Christmas God sent us the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ...But this Christmas (2013), I was given a special gift...A second chance at life!
NUMB
When the surgeon said it is cancer, I turned a shade paler.
They were afraid I might faint and they told my husband to be ready to catch me…But I didn't faint, instead I said it was a hard thing to hear and turned and walked into the small bathroom adjacent to the room where I had the biopsy done.
There was no mirror to look at in there as I took off the pink gown that matched the shade of my lipstick perfectly and put my blouse back on.
I threw the gown on the floor next to the toilet, and waited a moment before opening the door to face my husband.
We exited the room to find a crowd standing there. It was the kind surgeon who had said the one word that would forever change our lives, and his staff…They joked that they were the welcoming committee, and I smiled and though I knew it was only a joke, I remember wondering what it was they were welcoming us into since we were leaving from there.
Jeff carried the bio-hazard bag containing the small cup with the tissue from my biopsy in it. We were instructed to take it over to the lab across the short parking lot. I gave the receptionist my paperwork, and she gave me my appointment card, telling me to call or come in before if I needed anything. I thanked her and she said “God bless you, Lisa.” I had sensed she was a Christian when I talked to her on the phone the week prior…and I noticed her cross necklace as soon as I had signed in that day…I wondered if she had sensed it about me too…but I could not bring myself to say anything…my lips seemed unable to move past the numbness that pervaded my entire body at the time.
I walked straight to the closet in the waiting room and took my coat and scarf from the hanger and put it on…still numb…moving as if on auto-pilot.
Jeff opened the door and we walked out into the hospital corridor with its multi-colored walls where large paintings of flowers hung…Jeff kept wondering if we were heading the right way…but I just kept reassuring him not to worry as I followed the route back to the front reception area where we first entered…I just kept going until we reached the lab building across the way.
Hand in hand we walked to the reception desk and when we were asked to wait, my back gave out and I had to sit until they called my name to come up and sign over the sample that Jeff still held…I did not want to touch it. Even though the nurse had shown it to me shortly after they removed it from my body. It looked like a white worm. Even though logic told me it was not a real worm, that it was only tissue …I knew it was something far more sinister than a worm.
Even now, two days later I imagine the thing slithering and morphing as it floats there in the lab awaiting the pathologist who will study it under the microscope tomorrow. It is just my imagination, I know.
CLARITY
On the drive home I told my husband that things looked clearer than they had ever looked before. It was like I had my eyes wide open for the first time in my life.
I told him that priorities were shifting very quickly and settling into place…He said “I know.”
This, I told him, was where the rubber meets the road concerning our faith in God. He agreed.
We talked about what we might do. We had an appointment that next Friday or sooner if they got my results back earlier in the week. He said that whatever I decided he would support me 100 %.
When we got home I called our daughter Sarah. She and I had already had a good talk about the possibility that this could be cancer. She took the news well, and reassured me that she was praying, and that she did not have a bad feeling about this…that everything was going to be OK.
I sent an email to my friend Deb. She emailed me back asking to call her if I needed to talk. I let her know I would be fine as long as Jeff was home for the weekend, but to stand by next week as I would be waiting for that phone call. I let the ladies who had been praying for me on a Christian forum know what the surgeon said. I couldn't let anyone know on my own blog site though, since I hadn't told our other two daughters yet…and I didn't want them to read about it on there.
I had been researching breast cancer for a couple weeks now, forcing myself to view photos of mastectomies. I decided now was the time to share my findings with Jeff, sparing him the photos though. We spent the rest of the evening talking about it. We smiled at each other, and held hands, and reassured one another that we would get through this.
I straightened up the house a bit before going to bed…out of habit. But suddenly, it no longer mattered if things were perfect, or that our coats were still hung over the kitchen chairs. I didn't care that the hairspray and deodorant were left out on the bathroom sink…As long as things were relatively clean, I just did not care. I would not be taking photos of our living space for any home magazine or websites after all…The thought of such things seemed so very silly to me now. Why had I wasted so many years worrying about how someone might judge me based on how my home looked!
Time, the thought of it…the concept of it was different now.
I joined Jeff in bed. I waited until I knew he had fallen asleep and then I let the tears soak silently into my pillow before drifting off to sleep myself. I didn't dream.
PROCESSING
Saturday morning I woke up, and had to remind myself that things are not the same anymore. Even though the pipes still freeze, the dogs still needed fed, and the bills need to be paid…Things were very different now, though I couldn't be quite sure just how and where that change might manifest itself throughout the days to come. I thanked God for another day just as I always did…But I meant it more now.
Jeff and I got ready to do some grocery shopping. I had developed a nasty cold sore right on the center of my lip (probably from the stress), and I needed medicine for it…I also strangely, needed to get out of the house, even though I felt more tired than I had felt in a long time despite having a good night’s sleep, (from sheer exhaustion).
We dressed in matching flannel shirts, which Jeff thought was cute, but was lost on me…since my mind was still in a strange fog. I laughed when appropriate, and smiled when expected…I did dishes and cooked and did the laundry earlier that morning…like a robot. I still felt that certain peace tightly threaded throughout the day. Jesus was with me.
After running our errands, I was glad to be headed home. I told Jeff I planned to have a sleep day Sunday, the next day. He thought that was a great idea.
When we arrived home there was a Christmas card from my friend Brenda in Ohio. We had not spoken for more than a year. She had written in the card that she never wanted to lose touch with me again like that and to call her…What would I say to her after all these months…and now with this news? I felt sick.
We ate our deli chicken and the coleslaw that I had made. Our oldest daughter had called. We decided we would not tell our two oldest daughters what the surgeon said…we would wait until the phone call the next week so as not to worry them already. But when she asked me what the surgeon said…I told her everything. She took it hard…though she was trying to conceal it…I could hear it in her voice. I could not seem to reassure her either.
I reminded her that she had survived cancer herself, and that she knew a woman who also survived breast cancer. She said she knew, but she was worried because that woman had to go through chemotherapy and everything…I told her I would do fine…and not to worry.
After that phone call I told Jeff I didn't know what to say…I hadn't planned on telling her yet. He said it was very hard for him to listen to that phone conversation.
I tried to play a computer game to take my mind off of everything while Jeff went to bed. It didn't work.
UNRAVELING
I started feeling scared and alone. It was the first time since the day before that I didn't feel wrapped up in the embrace of Jesus…I put away my laptop, brushed my teeth, and found Jeff in the bedroom watching a sit-com. I removed my earrings setting them in the little dish on my dresser, and fell into his arms…He was laughing at something that was said on the show…I was crying…He held me…We cried without words until I could not cry any longer. I laid with my back to him, my arms covering my breasts…They weren’t mine any longer…I was letting go. I knew things were going to change very soon.
I turned around and placed my hand on Jeff’s wet cheek and said. “Our lives are going to change after next week.” He said nothing, just nodded.
The phone rang at 4 am…There was a snowstorm and Jeff was being called out to plow roads. He told me who was calling and asked if I would be alright if he left. I said yes. He told me to sleep in, I said I would, but I couldn't. Words started filling my mind, and I knew I had to start writing.
Jeff tried to call me from his cell phone around 11 am. The wireless phone line was not working, but the LAN line phone worked….My first thought was that the phone was broken and now the doctor would not be able to reach me this week! I felt like the enemy was attacking again…But it was only the storm, I reasoned that even if it wasn't fixed I could always use my cell phone to contact the office to give them that number. It shook me how scared I was at that one little incident. I started doubting my coping ability altogether. I needed God’s Word to counteract this negativity that I was up against. I still had to call our daughter in Indiana…the one I was dreading most.
That was the hardest part…Telling people. Their reaction dictates whether or not you can hold onto any resolve you may have built up so far…If they don’t take it well…if there is no reassuring them…It brings all the fear to the surface, and you start to wonder if you will make it after all; you begin envisioning a future for them without you in it…How will they cope…That is the worst feeling of all…What it will do to your loved ones if they have to lose you from their lives. It is a sick feeling; a leaden weight sinking to the pit of my stomach…It leaves me cold. I long for the warmth of God’s peace wrapped around me again…even the numbness that I felt back in the surgeon’s office would be more welcomed than this.
ALONE
I know that Jesus is always with me. I know this deep down. But I am experiencing a strange thing now for the second night in a row. Last night around 7 pm, even though Jeff was still out here in the living room with me watching TV, I felt a strange coldness deep down. I was making Jeff’s lunch for work the next day. I don’t know if it was the idea of him returning to work for the first full day since the day of the biopsy, or what it was, but I suddenly felt very alone and afraid.
After packing his lunch, I sat nearby the furnace trying to get warm. We were watching America’s Funniest Videos when I asked Jeff if we could watch it in bed…I needed his closeness, his warmth.
I had spoken on the phone earlier with my granddaughter Alyssa, we talked about Christmas. I spoke with Ginny also, and I think she is doing better with the news. I also sent her an email. Jeff had called to tell Sam about the biopsy, and what the surgeon said. He explained that I had trouble the previous night telling Ginny. She understood, and wants me to call when I can. I sent her another email. I hope to speak with her today.
This morning I awoke with Jeff as he got ready for work. My intentions are to begin some clutter clearing around the house. I am a realist, I know that if the surgeon is right about the diagnosis…then I will be facing surgery and possible treatments in the near future…Therefore, I need to streamline my environment now while I still can so as to make things easier later on as far as cleaning, and maintenance is concerned.
Weird how the idea of fixing up the place and decorating has flown right out the window! All I care about now, is being able to live comfortably in our home with easy access to the things that we need every day.
I told Jeff what the paperwork that I handed into the receptionist at the surgeon’s office said. It said the word ‘carcinoma’ on it. He didn’t know that. I told him that this is something that stays in my mind, and although we want him (surgeon) to be wrong…he seemed pretty certain.
I also warned Jeff about my lack of appetite. I told him how I struggle now with eating…and that eating (healthy stuff) will be key to getting better and staying strong. He seemed to think that eating healthy stuff was not so important, and that I could just eat whatever…He needs to get educated better about the role nutrition plays in our health whether we are already sick or not….eat to live, not live to eat. I am sure that will all be a part of the program for us to learn about….so glad to have Jeff by my side. I love him more than ever!
FAMILY
I spent time yesterday speaking with each of our three daughters. We spoke very candidly about the things that are likely to come.
With Sam I waited until she brought the subject up…gauging her mood a bit to see how she was holding up. We talked and we laughed. I am grateful to the Lord for providing her with friends who have mothers with similar experiences. It helps to know that people can survive this. When I told her of my plan to have a double mastectomy, she said she was relieved to hear that as she understood the importance of reducing the risk of re-occurrence and that was actually what she was hoping I would decide. She asked lots of questions, some I could not answer yet. Her faith in God and His mercy is strong…She knows that He will not give us more than we can handle. Casey is there for her to be the shoulder she cries on. His own bout with cancer very recently is helping her to understand some of the things I am emotionally going through also. He is strong for her.
With Ginny, she seemed much better about it. Again the Lord provided her with someone whom she works with who has survived this…She also had questions, and of course concerns about her own health. It is good that she is going to be vigilant about this. She is praying. Her boyfriend Dennis is a great help to her as well. He is a good man who loves and supports her.
Sarah is very hopeful that this is not as bad as it could be. She has a young friend who is going through it now…her case is very advanced, but she is surviving, and that gives Sarah hope. She also has a strong faith like mine, so she is not letting fear take over. Also, she has had a lot of growing up to do as she has gone through so many scares with Josh and all his health issues. I pray she will be able to stay strong for both Josh and for her Dad and me as we go through this…She is the only daughter who lives nearby, so we might have to call upon her from time to time.
I felt so much better after breaking down the barriers with my children and speaking about their fears and concerns as well as my own.
Jeff also opened up to me a bit last night and asked some of the questions that were on his mind.
He wondered about the mastectomy. I told him I forced myself to look at photos online, and to read some stories from women who had gone through it. He said he wanted to see them. I told him that was a good idea, that way it would take away some of the shock before it happens to me…But I will spare him this until after I get the phone call because he will not need to deal with that unless absolutely necessary. There is still hope that the surgeon is wrong.
WAITING
It is Tuesday morning. The surgeon could call today at the earliest. He asked if we would be able to come in if they got the results by today.
I told Jeff to go in to work. I will call him if the call comes.
So I cannot help but feel the nerves twisting in my belly a bit as I wait here alone today.
Ginny said she would call before and after work today, but I asked her not to since I would jump each time the phone rang…I told all the girls I would call them right after calling their Dad. I hope I will have the strength to.
This is the email I sent to my friend Deb this morning:
I am still wrapped in His peace...I am alone this morning, waiting for the phone call that may or may not come today.
I am so very relieved to have spoken very candidly to all three girls concerning some of their fears and some of their concerns for me and for themselves too.
God has sent people who are survivors of this directly into their lives, so they know there is not only hope, but there is good that can come from it all...We even laughed about it a little.
They know that there will be tough days ahead, and they are preparing.
What is most surprising was that all three of them were relieved to hear that I will do what it takes to minimize this thing either recurring or showing up as something different (different place)...and they are glad I have decided to have a double mastectomy which is safest. I am determined to get this intruder out of my body (God did not put it there nor intend for it to take up residence there)...and once out...it must stay out!
We will know more once we meet with the surgeon again...once the results are in and we will know if he was right or not...until then, I am writing everything out that is going on inside of me...and I am preparing the house for an easier transition for Jeff to have to take care of some of the things I may not be able to do myself after surgery.
I have read and understand that the surgery usually occurs within one month of diagnosis...this is also what the surgeon said. This is so that it does not spread further...So now is the time to do what I can to prepare both physically and mentally...Spiritually I am taken care of already!
The hardest part so far is telling people...I've only told you and one other friend and our girls...Of course I will wait until confirmation comes (if) it comes to tell others. As you can guess, I dread telling some people!
I am so surprised at how their reactions seems to affect my own resolve and emotions!
When I first told Ginny, her fear came through to me and raised my own fear to the surface, and I had a melt down right after that phone call!
I made Jeff call and tell Sam the next day...since I was afraid to have that happen again!
That was a good idea, because it gave her time to process it and cry on Casey's shoulder.
I have to remember how shocked Jeff and I were to hear the surgeon say it in the office (we weren't expecting that)...we thought it would not be until the results came in to hear whether it was cancer or not. So when I tell people...I will have to expect some shock and whatever emotion surfaces in them....That is why I told you early...I need you to have some time to process so that you will be OK.
Love you so very much, my big sis!
Keep those prayers, and hugs coming!
<3 to <3 ~Lisa~
The call did come. It was the surgeon's nurse Karen saying that it should come as no surprise that it is cancer, and then she said I could come in there at anytime if I needed them, but I somehow answered her that I would come in the next day...thanked her, and then my knees gave out and I laid back on my bed, mouth dry, heart racing while my world seemed to be sucked into some unseen vortex!
I called Jeff, and he came home.
I called Jeff, and he came home.
DIAGNOSED
Here is what I wrote on my blog to let my friends know about the cancer:
Just got home from the appointment with my surgeon.
I have the most common form of breast cancer, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.
I had chest x-rays and blood work done today.
This type is aggressive so we are being aggressive!
I will be undergoing a double Mastectomy on December 26th.
Pray that it has not spread to the lymph nodes...It has already began to invade breast tissue.
I told the surgeon that his job is to get it the H#LL out of me, and I will do the rest!
I will need chemotherapy...but probably not radiation...Standard is 6 months of Chemo.
Just when I finally got a hair-cut that I really like!
My surgeon answered all of our questions, and even offered to go along with us if we wanted to get a second opinion.
Thank you so much for your prayers…There is power in prayer.
Thanks to Brenda for leading me to this scripture:
The joy of the Lord is my strength…It got me through so far when I put it together with…In His presence is fullness of joy…the joy of the Lord is my strength…Jesus said: My strength is made perfect in weakness!
And thanks to my dear friend Deb who prayed with me over the phone this morning…God does not do anything part way…He does a perfect job every time.
Blessings & Love,
And remember, we are…
~NEVER FORSAKEN~
From my blogging friend Brenda:
Do not worry, do not fear, let your heart be still
for who on earth of mortal man can always know God's will
but this we know who worship Him - by faith shall live the just
for then we see the power of the One in whom we trust
'You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon You, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord Forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.' Isaiah ch.26 vs.3,4.
FORWARD
Yesterday Jeff and I spoke with the surgeon. He answered all of our questions. I told him that since this cancer is aggressive, then I would be aggressive too. I also told him that it’s his job to get it the hell out of me, and I will do the rest!
I had a bit of a fright when I got my chest x-ray…the lesion on my breast was prominent on the screen, but I also saw several other areas around the rib cage that resembled it…I assumed they were cancer.
I felt weak and more scared since this whole thing began…I did not sleep too well, and when I woke up today, I had Jeff call the doctor’s office and ask about that chest x-ray…they called back to report that not only was that normal, so was all my blood work including liver function…Whew!
That made my day.
I did not wear a bra today.
I packed up all of them but the one I will wear for Friday’s appointment…How strange.
It seems like such a little thing, packing away my bras…But in a way, it is a step forward in this new direction in my life…I told Jeff this marks the last full week that I will have breasts…After next week, begins a new chapter in our lives…It will forever be remembered as the time before, and the time after.
Today we will go shopping for a new bathrobe and slippers for me as well as some easy comfort food for the recovery time…I could wait until next week, but with the Christmas holiday that might not be a good idea.
The girls are taking it well…they are very strong and getting stronger. This is good, I will need that.
I spoke with my sister for an hour last night. She informed me that she thought our mom mentioned that I had an aunt (father’s sister), who died young from breast cancer. I look just like her. But she couldn’t be 100% positive it was breast cancer that killed her…it was back before I was born.
My sister came close to crying when she told me that I am her little sister and that she is supposed to go before I do…That almost made me cry…I fought the tears. This is the hardest part of this…talking to people and navigating through their emotions, their fears…Makes the fear surface up in me…I cannot afford to have that kind of fear right now.
Jeff told me that this was not fair, that I didn’t deserve this. I told him that WE did not deserve this, but that nobody did.
I also told him he needed to talk to God…but not to be mad at God, because He did not put this thing in me…He did not create it, but That he is doing everything to make sure that I get the care I need to get rid of it now. This has been evident since the day I found the lump…so many things could have gone wrong, but didn’t.
REAL
The reality comes crashing down on me…on us. I cannot be alone when this happens, so far it happens at night…last night it lingered, nagging at me throughout the evening until I could not take it any longer. I woke Jeff up and cried and got it out. We are learning to lean on Jesus, His presence comforted both of us last night, and always.
He really is an ever present comfort in times of need.
HUMBLED
December 21, 2013/ 5 days pre-op.
Today was a rough day.
We got up early and cleaned the house…I organized the bedroom to prepare for next week. I put away all the pretty clothes that we bought, along with the scarves and hats and wig.
I also bagged and stored away some more bras and some lingerie. I was having a hard time, but what got me was when I put away my hair clips and curling iron.
I dragged along all day until this afternoon when I just had an all-out pity party…Jeff patiently listened, and held my hand. When I told him I could not stay in this state of mind…If I did, I would not do well…He agreed, but then he told me it was still something I needed to go through…the pity party…Then he cooked me a wonderful venison stew while I dusted the living room, and then we had a glass of wine afterward…This would be my last glass of wine for a very long time…It was an apple caramel holiday blend…and it was the best I’ve ever tasted!
I spent quite a long time on the internet collecting information about cosmetics, scarf tying, and also what to expect with chemotherapy…Jeff and I both watched…It was sad to see so many young women going through this…some half my age.
I am humbled.
The day of the biopsy when the surgeon told us it was cancer (before confirmation)…Once my husband and I returned home and I went online to tell friends…I noticed the news story about Phil Robertson that was all over the web that day…I read how he stood up for his Christian beliefs and I was so proud of him for not backing down.
So the following Tuesday when the call came in confirming the diagnosis, once my husband and I recovered, we went shopping for some things we knew I would need for the upcoming surgery that was scheduled for the day after Christmas, and also for a few items I would need for when I begin chemotherapy in the next month or so…We went to Wal-Mart, where I picked out some scarves and hats and things…and when I saw this hat…a black ball cap with the words “Happy, happy, happy”, in bright pink on it…I just knew I must have that, I will be wearing this hat through chemo, and when people wonder why a chemo patient would be happy…I will tell them it is because God gave us that first gift of eternal life through Jesus that first Christmas, and now this Christmas my family and I were given the gift of life for me! It was a miracle that I found the lump the way I did (Mammogram was clear)…and if I hadn’t, it would have killed me!
Now the Robertson family has been blessing my family for a while now, and I hope that I can be a blessing to them in some way by praying for their family to continue to build upon the solid rock which is our foundation…That rock is not silver or gold, that rock is Jesus Christ and His Word! (Silver and gold will eventually only crumble like sand.)
I am excited to see where their family will be, and what they might build out of all of this in the future.
From my family to the Phil Robertson family:
Have a very blessed Christmas, and a Happy, Happy, Happy New Year!
Cast all your cares upon Him, and He will sustain you…
Monday December 23rd
You would think I would be more nervous…Only three days until surgery.
But I am just really anxious to get it over with and return home to begin the recovery process!
I am keeping my friends up to date online today…Don’t know when I will be back to posting afterwards.
This is the scripture the Lord gave me today…
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Sunday, January 05, 2014
I haven’t written in this diary since the surgery. I am healing well except for developing a seroma under the left side incision just yesterday. It does not hurt, but it is strange…feels like fluid just under the skin. I have to keep my eye on it….they normally reabsorb into the body by themselves, but sometime need to get drained.
Jeff goes back to work tomorrow. Although he did get called in for overtime last night. I don’t like to be alone. I know the Lord is always with me, but I feel so scared whenever Jeff is not here too.
I still get scared each evening around 7:pm.
The first and biggest part of this journey is over…the surgery. I am adjusting to the loss of my breasts, but have sad moments every so often throughout the day. I feel betrayed by my own body. It tried to kill me by developing cancer.
I am scared that cancer will come back after all the treatment is over. The surgeon said that they will keep an eye on me for about ten years.
It is very sobering to think that these could be the last years of my life on earth. My sorrow and fear is in the thought of leaving Jeff behind. I know my home is with Jesus, but I cannot bear to leave the love of my life…my soul mate early…I cannot bear the thought of his pain.
Jesus help me…calm my mind and bring peace as I sit here with tears streaming as I write these words!
I look back on my life…my recent life, before cancer…and everything I worried about, suffered from, and spent my time doing seems so much less significant now.
I think about the video journals as well as the written ones in which the subject matter was so centered on things that are of little to no consequence to me now. Everything is different. I wish I could say that I am just the same…still me, but that is just not the truth. I wish it were, but I am forever changed now. Each day holds more meaning to me now.
I am told that it will take about a year before I will feel normal again…I don’t want to waste a year…even a year of treatment which may or may not alter me further either temporarily or permanently…I will adapt to a new normal for the time being, and I will draw golden moments from each day…even the bad ones…life is too short not to….I mean, what if this is all I have left?
I will treasure the time I have left with my dear Jeff, and with my dogs, and my children and other loved ones…Life is short for all of us, but when you come to a curve in the road where you see a possible end…it makes you want to slow down and savor each day.
My focus thus far has been on recovering from surgery and maintaining some semblance of normal life…again, even a new normal.
I’m preparing for the next step in treatment by getting the things I need in order to minimize the affects the chemo may have on me. I bought a wig and scarves. I have learned how to wear them in a pretty manner. Makeup will come next. All this will help, but it does not change the fact that I have a serious disease that may eventually kill me.
Of course I am building an arsenal against the various possible side effects that can occur during chemo. Anything to help minimize the discomfort associated with treatment will help me to stay positive through this whole ordeal.
I filled out some forms for the American Cancer Society. I had to stop when I read the part about listing my caregiver…I wrote Jeff’s name on that line, and then realized that my husband, my partner in life…My lover for over thirty years has now been classified as my caregiver. This took me by surprise. I told Jeff that I did not know how to process that…I can’t…When did everything change so drastically?
Who would have thought that anyone or anything could have stepped right into the middle of our lives…our marriage and just change things so quickly?
Last week Jeff propped me up on the pillows and handing me my teddy bear, he tucked me into our bed. He kissed me like I was a child. I feel so childlike now. I made him come back and kiss me like an adult…I am afraid of losing the woman that I was…see, I even wrote that last sentence in the past tense (was).
I have lost my breasts, I will soon lose my hair, perhaps my passion…All that is left will be a childlike me, a shadow of myself.
I have to be reminded of why I am doing all of this…why am I going along on this crazy ride?
To live for Jeff,…for us.
Every night, between 7 and 9 pm. I become fearful…The reality of my situation sets in. It is likely the time of day when I am tired, but I am not sure why it happens. It began shortly after the diagnosis. It is at this time when I cannot be alone that I will cling to Jeff as though my very life depended on having this contact with him. It is at this hour when the tears fall and I speak about things that I dare not speak about during the daytime. It is a buildup of all the fears and sorrow. A place to visit, yet I mustn't stay there for long lest I become imprisoned there. It is a release.
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
I have described this cancer journey as if I am entering into a series of rooms..
When we first met with the surgeon to discuss the next step in surgery, he asked me if I was sure about my decisions. He said that I had time to wait. I told him I cannot walk back through that door and change things. That the only choice was to continue moving forward.
It is scary when you enter into a new room in your life. It’s scarier yet when you hear the door close behind you. Knowing it will not open again.
It helps to visualize that God has already gone before you into that room. He has stocked it full of whatever supplies you will need while in there…And once you are ready; you will find another door that opens for you; and another room is waiting.
I cannot sleep tonight. First I was in pain from the chest wounds, and then from the arthritis in my back. I cringe to think about how chemo will affect the arthritis.
So I am up writing this.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
It’s been awhile since I have written anything. I have been busy scheduling appointments and gathering information about the next phase…Chemo.
We met with the Oncologist…a very warm and genuinely nice man who has been in the business for more than thirty years.
My prognosis is good.
Without chemo and Herceptin, the chance of this cancer reoccurring would be 20- 30%. (That’s with the Bi-lateral mastectomy)…With chemo only, that is reduced to 10-15%, and with Herceptin…Less than 5%!
I will need 6 rounds of chemo using the (safer for the heart combo) of Taxotere and Carboplatin…Herceptin (targeted biological treatment) will be given as well but for an entire year…The T & C will be once every three weeks for 18 weeks (4.5 months).
I will also be given some premeds to help counteract the side effects of the chemo. I pray that these, along with a myriad of over the counter remedies, and home remedies will work!
Bottom line, in terms of SE’s from chemo…Doc says it will make me anemic, and the effects will be cumulative. (worse with each dose)
In other words I will be fatigued, short of breath, intolerant of the cold. And whatever other affects that will arise (nausea, diarrhea, constipation, acid re flux, mouth sores, etc…
Also, one of the meds I will need to be give (a shot)…Neulasta, …which will help build up my white blood cells working inside the bone marrow…will cause terrible bone pain…Claritan and pain medicine will help with this. (Praying it’s so)
I will lose my hair.
What that means (to me) is I will suddenly look like a cancer patient!
Of course I will cover it with a wig, and scarves, hats…etc., But, at the end of the day (or at the beginning), I will be reminded every time I look in the mirror!
It is funny how I am processing this. It is similar to how I handled the impending loss of my breasts. Even though, unlike the breasts, the hair will grow back…I am going through a period of learning to let go of it.
Before the mastectomy, I stopped wearing a bra. In tears, I packed them all away. I wore baggy clothing, and aside from washing them in the shower…I stopped looking at them, stopped thinking about them.
That is what I am doing with the hair now. Washing it, brushing it out, but not doing anything with it…I have even been practicing wearing the wig and the scarves.
But, just like with the breasts, the reality of losing it will not be easy. At least this will only be temporary.
Speaking of the mastectomy: I have developed a seroma. (a collection of fluid where tissue used to be)
I had it drained last Monday, and it is refilling again. It’s not painful, only annoying. I am to return for a check-up next Monday. The surgeon may drain it again…But maybe it will be better left alone to reabsorb into my body on its own. I do not want to open up a portal to possible infection during chemo.
I am still awaiting the oncology office to call with a schedule for the chemo. A lot has to happen before hand. I will need to have a port placed. (An out-patient surgical procedure)
I will also need to have my heart tested, and be put on some medication (a steroid) taken the day before. I hate waiting!
I called them yesterday, and waited for an hour until the office called…No call back. This leaves me wondering…Will I have to deal with being ignored once treatment starts. What if I have a problem, and need to get a hold of them? I am starting to feel stressed from this.
I have the lady from the ACS waiting for me to call so that she can do a phone assessment/interview with me, but I have explained to them that I do not know what my schedule will be like for the upcoming week before chemo is supposed to start. They are still waiting…we are all waiting.
The oncology nurse navigator told me I should call the oncology Office if I did not hear from them last Monday or Tuesday. I will call her this afternoon if I still do not hear from them. She was quite concerned about allowing sufficient healing time for the port, especially with the surrounding tissues still being very tender from surgery.
Friday, January 17, 2014
I’m in a bad mood today and still waiting to hear from the Oncology office about my chemo schedule. I called the nurse navigator yesterday; she called them and was told the doctor still needed to write out the permission to begin (whatever that means).
Since my diagnosis I have been drawn to images of angels. I believe it is God’s way of reminding me that I am being protected.
This is my “year of grace’. I am leaning into the arms of Jesus. He comforts me.
I am like a child again.
And I love this time with my Heavenly Father.
But, truth be told…I am battling depression. And I feel guilty for being depressed.
It is what it is though. I feel disconnected from everyone. Jeff is my anchor…Jesus is my rock…But friends and family are far away.
I am spiraling downward.
I have also decided not to be such a tough girl and put up with the pain. The pain from surgery has gotten worse as the nerves are coming back to life. The pain from treatment will be significant enough to possibly need a strong pain medicine.
Who wants to live in constant pain? That would not help my recovery anyway.
I am beginning to get very, very, anxious, and feeling depression pulling at me now.
I think one of my best friends is scared to come around me. And my sister called and was relieved when I told her she did not need to visit me (She actually told me she was)...I told her it can wait until I am all done with treatment. I also told her to tell my brothers that since they never visited me (one is disabled) they did not need to start just because I am sick now. I have not heard from either of them at all.
I hate to complain or to cry, but I am sad, and I am afraid that once I lose my hair and start looking like a sick person, even Jeff will not want to be around me anymore...Even though I know he loves me...We have thirty years to show for it.
I am seriously considering just taking my pain meds and hiding out in my bedroom for the next four or five months.
I really need an angel to show up right about now with a message of hope.
I know I am going to live through this...But I wonder how I am going to deal with the people who I thought were a part of my life not being here when I need them.
My Teddy Bear… Before surgery I asked Jeff to find a soft teddy bear that I could sleep with that would fill up the ‘empty space’ where my breasts used to be…He found this little guy and he has been such a help ever since day one!
Thursday, May 08, 2014
Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Endurance…This is what I need to remember. It is ongoing, this faith walk.
1 Peter 5:9-10
But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it.
Revelation 21:4
…and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
It’s been a year since I’ve written anything in this journal. I have completed all of my cancer treatment as of January 2015. A great way to start the New Year!
Since that time, however, I have found it to be very difficult to deal with the psychological after effects from cancer and treatment. I still have many of the physical ailments associated with both the disease and the treatments, such as: tightness in my chest where the incisions are as well as burning (cigarette burns) sensations in my back behind the scars. My eyesight is not very good and I am still tired and have muscle weakness despite trying to build up my muscles… (to name a few). My cognitive function is impaired as well, in that I cannot remember many simple things, such as how to cook a familiar recipe, or even things such as where to press the button on my laptop to open the CD tray. I can seldom remember what someone has told me whether it was a minute ago or a month ago. I don’t think it is early onset Alzheimer’s, because that is rare and almost always hereditary, but since I do have lesions on my brain, I am concerned, even though my doctors don’t really seem to be…or at least they weren’t in the past six months.
The day of the biopsy when the surgeon told us it was cancer (before confirmation)…Once my husband and I returned home and I went online to tell friends…I noticed the news story about Phil Robertson that was all over the web that day…I read how he stood up for his Christian beliefs and I was so proud of him for not backing down.
So the following Tuesday when the call came in confirming the diagnosis, once my husband and I recovered, we went shopping for some things we knew I would need for the upcoming surgery that was scheduled for the day after Christmas, and also for a few items I would need for when I begin chemotherapy in the next month or so…We went to Wal-Mart, where I picked out some scarves and hats and things…and when I saw this hat…a black ball cap with the words “Happy, happy, happy”, in bright pink on it…I just knew I must have that, I will be wearing this hat through chemo, and when people wonder why a chemo patient would be happy…I will tell them it is because God gave us that first gift of eternal life through Jesus that first Christmas, and now this Christmas my family and I were given the gift of life for me! It was a miracle that I found the lump the way I did (Mammogram was clear)…and if I hadn’t, it would have killed me!
Now the Robertson family has been blessing my family for a while now, and I hope that I can be a blessing to them in some way by praying for their family to continue to build upon the solid rock which is our foundation…That rock is not silver or gold, that rock is Jesus Christ and His Word! (Silver and gold will eventually only crumble like sand.)
I am excited to see where their family will be, and what they might build out of all of this in the future.
From my family to the Phil Robertson family:
Have a very blessed Christmas, and a Happy, Happy, Happy New Year!
Cast all your cares upon Him, and He will sustain you…
Monday December 23rd
You would think I would be more nervous…Only three days until surgery.
But I am just really anxious to get it over with and return home to begin the recovery process!
I am keeping my friends up to date online today…Don’t know when I will be back to posting afterwards.
This is the scripture the Lord gave me today…
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Sunday, January 05, 2014
I haven’t written in this diary since the surgery. I am healing well except for developing a seroma under the left side incision just yesterday. It does not hurt, but it is strange…feels like fluid just under the skin. I have to keep my eye on it….they normally reabsorb into the body by themselves, but sometime need to get drained.
Jeff goes back to work tomorrow. Although he did get called in for overtime last night. I don’t like to be alone. I know the Lord is always with me, but I feel so scared whenever Jeff is not here too.
I still get scared each evening around 7:pm.
The first and biggest part of this journey is over…the surgery. I am adjusting to the loss of my breasts, but have sad moments every so often throughout the day. I feel betrayed by my own body. It tried to kill me by developing cancer.
I am scared that cancer will come back after all the treatment is over. The surgeon said that they will keep an eye on me for about ten years.
It is very sobering to think that these could be the last years of my life on earth. My sorrow and fear is in the thought of leaving Jeff behind. I know my home is with Jesus, but I cannot bear to leave the love of my life…my soul mate early…I cannot bear the thought of his pain.
Jesus help me…calm my mind and bring peace as I sit here with tears streaming as I write these words!
I look back on my life…my recent life, before cancer…and everything I worried about, suffered from, and spent my time doing seems so much less significant now.
I think about the video journals as well as the written ones in which the subject matter was so centered on things that are of little to no consequence to me now. Everything is different. I wish I could say that I am just the same…still me, but that is just not the truth. I wish it were, but I am forever changed now. Each day holds more meaning to me now.
I am told that it will take about a year before I will feel normal again…I don’t want to waste a year…even a year of treatment which may or may not alter me further either temporarily or permanently…I will adapt to a new normal for the time being, and I will draw golden moments from each day…even the bad ones…life is too short not to….I mean, what if this is all I have left?
I will treasure the time I have left with my dear Jeff, and with my dogs, and my children and other loved ones…Life is short for all of us, but when you come to a curve in the road where you see a possible end…it makes you want to slow down and savor each day.
My focus thus far has been on recovering from surgery and maintaining some semblance of normal life…again, even a new normal.
I’m preparing for the next step in treatment by getting the things I need in order to minimize the affects the chemo may have on me. I bought a wig and scarves. I have learned how to wear them in a pretty manner. Makeup will come next. All this will help, but it does not change the fact that I have a serious disease that may eventually kill me.
Of course I am building an arsenal against the various possible side effects that can occur during chemo. Anything to help minimize the discomfort associated with treatment will help me to stay positive through this whole ordeal.
I filled out some forms for the American Cancer Society. I had to stop when I read the part about listing my caregiver…I wrote Jeff’s name on that line, and then realized that my husband, my partner in life…My lover for over thirty years has now been classified as my caregiver. This took me by surprise. I told Jeff that I did not know how to process that…I can’t…When did everything change so drastically?
Who would have thought that anyone or anything could have stepped right into the middle of our lives…our marriage and just change things so quickly?
Last week Jeff propped me up on the pillows and handing me my teddy bear, he tucked me into our bed. He kissed me like I was a child. I feel so childlike now. I made him come back and kiss me like an adult…I am afraid of losing the woman that I was…see, I even wrote that last sentence in the past tense (was).
I have lost my breasts, I will soon lose my hair, perhaps my passion…All that is left will be a childlike me, a shadow of myself.
I have to be reminded of why I am doing all of this…why am I going along on this crazy ride?
To live for Jeff,…for us.
Every night, between 7 and 9 pm. I become fearful…The reality of my situation sets in. It is likely the time of day when I am tired, but I am not sure why it happens. It began shortly after the diagnosis. It is at this time when I cannot be alone that I will cling to Jeff as though my very life depended on having this contact with him. It is at this hour when the tears fall and I speak about things that I dare not speak about during the daytime. It is a buildup of all the fears and sorrow. A place to visit, yet I mustn't stay there for long lest I become imprisoned there. It is a release.
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
I have described this cancer journey as if I am entering into a series of rooms..
When we first met with the surgeon to discuss the next step in surgery, he asked me if I was sure about my decisions. He said that I had time to wait. I told him I cannot walk back through that door and change things. That the only choice was to continue moving forward.
It is scary when you enter into a new room in your life. It’s scarier yet when you hear the door close behind you. Knowing it will not open again.
It helps to visualize that God has already gone before you into that room. He has stocked it full of whatever supplies you will need while in there…And once you are ready; you will find another door that opens for you; and another room is waiting.
I cannot sleep tonight. First I was in pain from the chest wounds, and then from the arthritis in my back. I cringe to think about how chemo will affect the arthritis.
So I am up writing this.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
It’s been awhile since I have written anything. I have been busy scheduling appointments and gathering information about the next phase…Chemo.
We met with the Oncologist…a very warm and genuinely nice man who has been in the business for more than thirty years.
My prognosis is good.
Without chemo and Herceptin, the chance of this cancer reoccurring would be 20- 30%. (That’s with the Bi-lateral mastectomy)…With chemo only, that is reduced to 10-15%, and with Herceptin…Less than 5%!
I will need 6 rounds of chemo using the (safer for the heart combo) of Taxotere and Carboplatin…Herceptin (targeted biological treatment) will be given as well but for an entire year…The T & C will be once every three weeks for 18 weeks (4.5 months).
I will also be given some premeds to help counteract the side effects of the chemo. I pray that these, along with a myriad of over the counter remedies, and home remedies will work!
Bottom line, in terms of SE’s from chemo…Doc says it will make me anemic, and the effects will be cumulative. (worse with each dose)
In other words I will be fatigued, short of breath, intolerant of the cold. And whatever other affects that will arise (nausea, diarrhea, constipation, acid re flux, mouth sores, etc…
Also, one of the meds I will need to be give (a shot)…Neulasta, …which will help build up my white blood cells working inside the bone marrow…will cause terrible bone pain…Claritan and pain medicine will help with this. (Praying it’s so)
I will lose my hair.
What that means (to me) is I will suddenly look like a cancer patient!
Of course I will cover it with a wig, and scarves, hats…etc., But, at the end of the day (or at the beginning), I will be reminded every time I look in the mirror!
It is funny how I am processing this. It is similar to how I handled the impending loss of my breasts. Even though, unlike the breasts, the hair will grow back…I am going through a period of learning to let go of it.
Before the mastectomy, I stopped wearing a bra. In tears, I packed them all away. I wore baggy clothing, and aside from washing them in the shower…I stopped looking at them, stopped thinking about them.
That is what I am doing with the hair now. Washing it, brushing it out, but not doing anything with it…I have even been practicing wearing the wig and the scarves.
But, just like with the breasts, the reality of losing it will not be easy. At least this will only be temporary.
Speaking of the mastectomy: I have developed a seroma. (a collection of fluid where tissue used to be)
I had it drained last Monday, and it is refilling again. It’s not painful, only annoying. I am to return for a check-up next Monday. The surgeon may drain it again…But maybe it will be better left alone to reabsorb into my body on its own. I do not want to open up a portal to possible infection during chemo.
I am still awaiting the oncology office to call with a schedule for the chemo. A lot has to happen before hand. I will need to have a port placed. (An out-patient surgical procedure)
I will also need to have my heart tested, and be put on some medication (a steroid) taken the day before. I hate waiting!
I called them yesterday, and waited for an hour until the office called…No call back. This leaves me wondering…Will I have to deal with being ignored once treatment starts. What if I have a problem, and need to get a hold of them? I am starting to feel stressed from this.
I have the lady from the ACS waiting for me to call so that she can do a phone assessment/interview with me, but I have explained to them that I do not know what my schedule will be like for the upcoming week before chemo is supposed to start. They are still waiting…we are all waiting.
The oncology nurse navigator told me I should call the oncology Office if I did not hear from them last Monday or Tuesday. I will call her this afternoon if I still do not hear from them. She was quite concerned about allowing sufficient healing time for the port, especially with the surrounding tissues still being very tender from surgery.
Friday, January 17, 2014
I’m in a bad mood today and still waiting to hear from the Oncology office about my chemo schedule. I called the nurse navigator yesterday; she called them and was told the doctor still needed to write out the permission to begin (whatever that means).
Since my diagnosis I have been drawn to images of angels. I believe it is God’s way of reminding me that I am being protected.
This is my “year of grace’. I am leaning into the arms of Jesus. He comforts me.
I am like a child again.
And I love this time with my Heavenly Father.
But, truth be told…I am battling depression. And I feel guilty for being depressed.
It is what it is though. I feel disconnected from everyone. Jeff is my anchor…Jesus is my rock…But friends and family are far away.
I am spiraling downward.
I have also decided not to be such a tough girl and put up with the pain. The pain from surgery has gotten worse as the nerves are coming back to life. The pain from treatment will be significant enough to possibly need a strong pain medicine.
Who wants to live in constant pain? That would not help my recovery anyway.
I am beginning to get very, very, anxious, and feeling depression pulling at me now.
I think one of my best friends is scared to come around me. And my sister called and was relieved when I told her she did not need to visit me (She actually told me she was)...I told her it can wait until I am all done with treatment. I also told her to tell my brothers that since they never visited me (one is disabled) they did not need to start just because I am sick now. I have not heard from either of them at all.
I hate to complain or to cry, but I am sad, and I am afraid that once I lose my hair and start looking like a sick person, even Jeff will not want to be around me anymore...Even though I know he loves me...We have thirty years to show for it.
I am seriously considering just taking my pain meds and hiding out in my bedroom for the next four or five months.
I really need an angel to show up right about now with a message of hope.
I know I am going to live through this...But I wonder how I am going to deal with the people who I thought were a part of my life not being here when I need them.
I am so tired of putting on a mask for everyone. I do not want to drive anyone away even further by showing them the truth.
The truth is that this life with cancer sucks already, and treatment has not even begun yet! Well, that is not entirely true…Surgery was treatment…Big time!
I don’t want them to feel sorry for me…But I do feel sorry for myself…This stinks!
I should be enjoying the last ‘normal’ week of my life for a while…instead I am too depressed, and want to either hide it…or just hide. I cannot always be brave…Nor should anyone always expect me to be.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Sarah and Josh came over today for a visit and pizza…It was fun.
Josh and Sarah offered for her to spend next Sunday night after my first chemo. So that I will not alone Monday in case I am sick.
Since we do not know just how chemo will affect me, we decided it would be best if someone stayed with me at least for the first time. Day 3 after chemo seems to be the hardest when the steroids wear off and most people crash.
Buddy did not enjoy their visit…They brought the dogs, and he is so afraid of Kelsey!
 |
| Sasha likes him too...I did not set this shot up! |
Monday, January 20, 2014
Today begins a very important week.
In a few hours I will be talking on the phone with the lady from the cancer society. She needs to interview me for enrollment in their program.
I am hoping the doctor will call with a schedule for port surgery, echocardiogram, and chemo.
It is not that I am eager to begin treatment, but I am eager to get it over with, and in order to do that I must begin.
Also, once treatment begins, then things should settle down into a regular routine. This is as long as there are no complications.
It struck me just how vulnerable I am at this time. Last night Jeff was up with a stomach/intestinal sickness. He was also sneezing. When he finally came back to bed, I had to remind him to go back into the bathroom and use the hand sanitizer.
I asked him if he was alright, or if he thought he might be coming down with something…He said he hoped not….me too.
This made me wonder how in the world I would survive all the viruses and stuff floating around out there…especially if the other person in the household caught something!
I am the girl in the bubble.
Monday, January 20, 2014
I have my schedule. The only things I do not know yet is when they are phoning in the prescription for the steroid, and when and where I will get the Neulesta shot.
The phone is really acting up. If I am talking on it and someone calls, it makes a horrible noise and then usually drops the call (dial tone).
This was what was happening this morning when first Ginny called, and then the Cancer Society, and the oncologist all around the same times…It was crazy!
After I spoke with the Cancer society lady and with the oncologist’s office (Rose)…I got a call from Brenda and just unloaded all of my stress about waiting on calls and the phone situation onto her…
And after we hung up…I broke down and cried again. Each step of the way…every door that opens into another new room makes me realize once again, that this is very real, and that there is no going back now.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I have been through two treatments now since writing in this diary.
The first one I had minimal side effects, but my WBC fell very low…and I ended up in the hospital for four days.
This time I was given the Neulesta shot. The doctor wanted to wait and see if I would need it with the first treatment.
I am praying that I do not experience the bone pain that is associated with the shot…But, the alternative would be a life threatening drop in WBC again, and a possible infection.
I am still feeling OK…It is three days since my second chemo treatment, and I have few (if any) side effects…A little achiness.
My hair is almost gone now, but I am surprisingly comfortable with this!
I have worn my wigs, and hats and scarves, etc…out in public…But am most comfy at home with either a soft cap on or nothing at all.
Jeff shaved his head in support…He looks good!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Today I feel completely abnormal.
Nothing feels right…I feel like I am nothing but a cancer patient.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
I have been enjoying getting deeper into the Word of God, and looking forward to the opportunity my Abba Father places into my path to help give encouragement and to pray for others who are suffering.
I have gone through yet another treatment, and suffered the dreaded side effect from the Neulasta shot…severe bone pain. I am thankful that I have continued to tolerate the chemo pretty well.
Spring is on its way, and with it brings new hope…I am ready to continue forward with my treatment, and will be more mindful of living a life dedicated to Jesus…the author and finisher of my faith…When I am done with chemo, and my strength returns, I am anxious to look for a new church…One in which there is love and peace within it…and above else, one which proclaims the Good news of Jesus with some Bible studies and things that I can join with other like-minded Christians!
Monday, April 14, 2014
I have only two chemo treatments left.
My side effects are still tolerable.
My outlook on certain things has changed though. For one thing, I do not enjoy wearing wigs, nor do I wear much (if any) makeup except when I go out in public.
I have been having a lot of hot flashes and night sweats…therefore, I am most comfortable wearing a simple cap or bonnet.
And I have not gone to look at prosthesis yet. I simply am not interested.
I bought a cheap pair of inserts at Walmart that go into pocketed bras….That is all I need for when I go out in public. As far as the rest of the time, I am comfortable with nothing…This is my new normal now.
Monday, January 20, 2014
I have my schedule. The only things I do not know yet is when they are phoning in the prescription for the steroid, and when and where I will get the Neulesta shot.
The phone is really acting up. If I am talking on it and someone calls, it makes a horrible noise and then usually drops the call (dial tone).
This was what was happening this morning when first Ginny called, and then the Cancer Society, and the oncologist all around the same times…It was crazy!
After I spoke with the Cancer society lady and with the oncologist’s office (Rose)…I got a call from Brenda and just unloaded all of my stress about waiting on calls and the phone situation onto her…
And after we hung up…I broke down and cried again. Each step of the way…every door that opens into another new room makes me realize once again, that this is very real, and that there is no going back now.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I have been through two treatments now since writing in this diary.
The first one I had minimal side effects, but my WBC fell very low…and I ended up in the hospital for four days.
This time I was given the Neulesta shot. The doctor wanted to wait and see if I would need it with the first treatment.
I am praying that I do not experience the bone pain that is associated with the shot…But, the alternative would be a life threatening drop in WBC again, and a possible infection.
I am still feeling OK…It is three days since my second chemo treatment, and I have few (if any) side effects…A little achiness.
My hair is almost gone now, but I am surprisingly comfortable with this!
I have worn my wigs, and hats and scarves, etc…out in public…But am most comfy at home with either a soft cap on or nothing at all.
Jeff shaved his head in support…He looks good!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Today I feel completely abnormal.
Nothing feels right…I feel like I am nothing but a cancer patient.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
I have been enjoying getting deeper into the Word of God, and looking forward to the opportunity my Abba Father places into my path to help give encouragement and to pray for others who are suffering.
I have gone through yet another treatment, and suffered the dreaded side effect from the Neulasta shot…severe bone pain. I am thankful that I have continued to tolerate the chemo pretty well.
Spring is on its way, and with it brings new hope…I am ready to continue forward with my treatment, and will be more mindful of living a life dedicated to Jesus…the author and finisher of my faith…When I am done with chemo, and my strength returns, I am anxious to look for a new church…One in which there is love and peace within it…and above else, one which proclaims the Good news of Jesus with some Bible studies and things that I can join with other like-minded Christians!
Monday, April 14, 2014
I have only two chemo treatments left.
My side effects are still tolerable.
My outlook on certain things has changed though. For one thing, I do not enjoy wearing wigs, nor do I wear much (if any) makeup except when I go out in public.
I have been having a lot of hot flashes and night sweats…therefore, I am most comfortable wearing a simple cap or bonnet.
And I have not gone to look at prosthesis yet. I simply am not interested.
I bought a cheap pair of inserts at Walmart that go into pocketed bras….That is all I need for when I go out in public. As far as the rest of the time, I am comfortable with nothing…This is my new normal now.
Child-like…
That is how I feel. It is liberating!
Losing my breasts was not as hard as I imagined it would be. Though the pain is sometimes quite bad (especially when the nerves started to regenerate)…It is rather freeing. Not having to wear a bra. Wearing a soft cameo or t-shirt instead of straps and under-wires. Not bad.
Sunday, May 04, 2014
I am excited about the fact that Friday will be my last chemo treatment. Although I will be finishing out the year with Herceptin, the hard chemo is over...hopefully forever!
The oncologist said that the fatigue and other symptoms should go away gradually, but the neuropathy may last awhile longer since it is nerve damage caused by the chemo drugs. I asked whether or not I would need any scans after chemo, and he said that I would not. I told him I felt that the cancer was gone after the surgery and that the chemo and Herceptin were only to minimize a recurrence...he said that I would continue to have blood tests every three weeks while on the Herceptin, and would see him every six weeks. He also mentioned that there was approximately a 10% chance of the cancer returning, but that could be as low as 5%...and that there was also a chance of another primary (new) cancer occurring.
I am surprised that Jeff did not know about the chances of recurrence...I knew, but did not allow myself to think about it too much. But now that chemo is coming to an end, I am finding myself thinking about it more often. I will need to keep my faith strong, as that kind of worry will not be an easy thing...especially for the first five years, which is supposed to be the time in which most cancers come back.
After the last chemo, I experienced some swelling around my neck, and the glands were tender all the way around to the back. When I phoned the oncologist office, I waited two hours for the nurse to call back, and then another three hours for her to speak with the doctor before I ended up calling them and telling them to never mind...I was starting to feel better. It lasted until the next day, but that whole thing made me feel like I was not being cared for very well...they pump this poison into my body and then when something goes wrong...they are not very helpful!...Like when I ended up in the hospital for four days following my first treatment...I did not hear from or see my oncologist at all until the next treatment. I have truly lost my faith in them...and I am no longer confident in the care that I am receiving.
We were surprised to have been placed in a private room without windows for the first 3 treatments, but the last two we were placed in a small room with four other chemo patients and only 3 straight chairs for family/friends who come along...and others were placed outside in the hallway...this is not very comfortable! Each treatment our insurance pays around $14,000...This is not what we would expect to find.
After reading through what I have just posted…I don’t like how whiny I sound! I hear other patients complaining endlessly about everything…I am enduring this. It is not meant to be an easy or comfortable thing to go through…There are so many of us cancer patients, when I look online everyone seems to be crowded in rooms, big or small to get the infusions…And some places do not even allow visitors to come along with you and stay with you!
I will stop complaining so much, and be grateful that I have medical care that I do not have to pay for!
Sunday, May 04, 2014
I am excited about the fact that Friday will be my last chemo treatment. Although I will be finishing out the year with Herceptin, the hard chemo is over...hopefully forever!
The oncologist said that the fatigue and other symptoms should go away gradually, but the neuropathy may last awhile longer since it is nerve damage caused by the chemo drugs. I asked whether or not I would need any scans after chemo, and he said that I would not. I told him I felt that the cancer was gone after the surgery and that the chemo and Herceptin were only to minimize a recurrence...he said that I would continue to have blood tests every three weeks while on the Herceptin, and would see him every six weeks. He also mentioned that there was approximately a 10% chance of the cancer returning, but that could be as low as 5%...and that there was also a chance of another primary (new) cancer occurring.
I am surprised that Jeff did not know about the chances of recurrence...I knew, but did not allow myself to think about it too much. But now that chemo is coming to an end, I am finding myself thinking about it more often. I will need to keep my faith strong, as that kind of worry will not be an easy thing...especially for the first five years, which is supposed to be the time in which most cancers come back.
After the last chemo, I experienced some swelling around my neck, and the glands were tender all the way around to the back. When I phoned the oncologist office, I waited two hours for the nurse to call back, and then another three hours for her to speak with the doctor before I ended up calling them and telling them to never mind...I was starting to feel better. It lasted until the next day, but that whole thing made me feel like I was not being cared for very well...they pump this poison into my body and then when something goes wrong...they are not very helpful!...Like when I ended up in the hospital for four days following my first treatment...I did not hear from or see my oncologist at all until the next treatment. I have truly lost my faith in them...and I am no longer confident in the care that I am receiving.
We were surprised to have been placed in a private room without windows for the first 3 treatments, but the last two we were placed in a small room with four other chemo patients and only 3 straight chairs for family/friends who come along...and others were placed outside in the hallway...this is not very comfortable! Each treatment our insurance pays around $14,000...This is not what we would expect to find.
After reading through what I have just posted…I don’t like how whiny I sound! I hear other patients complaining endlessly about everything…I am enduring this. It is not meant to be an easy or comfortable thing to go through…There are so many of us cancer patients, when I look online everyone seems to be crowded in rooms, big or small to get the infusions…And some places do not even allow visitors to come along with you and stay with you!
I will stop complaining so much, and be grateful that I have medical care that I do not have to pay for!
Thursday, May 08, 2014
Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Endurance…This is what I need to remember. It is ongoing, this faith walk.
1 Peter 5:9-10
But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it.
Revelation 21:4
…and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
Thursday, May 08, 2014
I cleared some leaves from the flower beds today and put out some décor in them…I needed to rest often and am frustrated that I could not get more done.
I came inside to rest and catch up on emails and blogs when I suddenly am hit with intense pain in my back! I haven’t taken pain meds ever since the liver was not doing its best last time…Now I know I must take something…but am pinned to my chair with pain…Jeff won’t be home for 15-20 minutes yet!
I wanted to get supper started and to fold the laundry that is in the dryer still!!
Lord, please give me more grace to handle this pain!
My grace is sufficient for you.
I cleared some leaves from the flower beds today and put out some décor in them…I needed to rest often and am frustrated that I could not get more done.
I came inside to rest and catch up on emails and blogs when I suddenly am hit with intense pain in my back! I haven’t taken pain meds ever since the liver was not doing its best last time…Now I know I must take something…but am pinned to my chair with pain…Jeff won’t be home for 15-20 minutes yet!
I wanted to get supper started and to fold the laundry that is in the dryer still!!
Lord, please give me more grace to handle this pain!
My grace is sufficient for you.
It will take a year.
That is what the doctors and nurses say.
So, I am calling this “My Year of Grace”...
~MY YEAR OF G-R-A-C-E~
G= Getting, R= Rest, A= and, C=Care, E= Everyday!
May 2015
It’s been a year since I’ve written anything in this journal. I have completed all of my cancer treatment as of January 2015. A great way to start the New Year!
Since that time, however, I have found it to be very difficult to deal with the psychological after effects from cancer and treatment. I still have many of the physical ailments associated with both the disease and the treatments, such as: tightness in my chest where the incisions are as well as burning (cigarette burns) sensations in my back behind the scars. My eyesight is not very good and I am still tired and have muscle weakness despite trying to build up my muscles… (to name a few). My cognitive function is impaired as well, in that I cannot remember many simple things, such as how to cook a familiar recipe, or even things such as where to press the button on my laptop to open the CD tray. I can seldom remember what someone has told me whether it was a minute ago or a month ago. I don’t think it is early onset Alzheimer’s, because that is rare and almost always hereditary, but since I do have lesions on my brain, I am concerned, even though my doctors don’t really seem to be…or at least they weren’t in the past six months.
ANXIETY…HELLO AGAIN.
The medication I’ve been on since December is not working well any longer; (Did I already write about this on here?)…Oh well, anyway…I am really struggling with wanting to stay home and not go anywhere again. I have been forcing myself to go to Bible study and church. In fact, I just returned home from church today. My friends (the ones who know me best) could see that I was very anxious, there was no fooling them! I left so quickly, that I left my Bible behind in the bathroom! That means I must go back for it tonight…I dread having to do so, but I simply do not want to go without my favorite Bible until Thursday’s Bible study. I feel shaken. I suppose I will need to discuss the problem with my doctor soon. I do have an appointment with my oncologist next Monday, but he does not seem too interested in any non-cancer related problems. I will need to see my Primary physician.
I find the size and typing on this device to be the easiest by far, so I’ll likely establish it as my main journal/picture resource…as long as I can keep it offline, it should last longer than previous laptops…or at least run smoother.
It’s a cool and sunny day out…very pleasant. I like it.
I am beginning to become anxious about going back to church tonight…but I need to get my Bible; otherwise I would not put myself through the anxiety again.
I have just made anther dumb mistake…I left the pot of water boiling for more nearly an hour now, I went into the kitchen thinking the spaghetti noodles must be done, only to find boiling water…I forgot to add the spaghetti! This is my new normal…honestly, some days I think I need a babysitter!
These last few days I have been feeling very much alone, as if there is no other person in this world who can understand what I’m going through; not even Jeff.
I wish I could just talk to one of my daughters about the truth of what my life is really like now, instead of painting them a rosy picture in order to protect them from the reality. I’ve done that from the very beginning. They don’t know the statistics of this disease, nor do they really understand the limitations it imposes upon me now.
Speaking of my dear daughters…I pray that I will be able to afford the gene testing if I ever find out whether or not my sister (whom I never knew about)…died from breast cancer at 48….I think it was 48, it could have been 47 or 49, I haven’t read my research info on her in quite awhile…therefore I don’t remember her exact age.
I’ve just returned from church; I retrieved my Bible and stayed through the service. I spoke briefly with a young woman who was very nice. She told me her name, and I explained that I would likely soon forget it, but it was nice to meet her, and even if I didn’t remember her name the next time I seen her, I would remember that we had met.
I sat among some of the ladies from bible study. I was relieved I wasn’t required to speak too much though as they are all pretty quiet people.
Monday, June 01, 2015
Today I got my blood work done in Clare. The girls in there all remarked on how long it’s been since I was there.
I will find out next Monday how my blood counts are doing.
I came home and went to take my medicine, and realized that I was completely out of the venlafaxin! It needs to be phoned in to my doctor’s office today. I will have to go without it for a couple days now…I am afraid of the consequences of doing that.
Sarah said she and Josh would be coming for a visit today…it’ll be nice to see them. It is very sunny but cool outside (foggy inside) today.
Tuesday, June 02, 2015
Ok, so up until today my chemo brain has been funny at times and annoying and frustrating always…but today it took a turn for the worst and became down-right dangerous!
I awoke this morning and made my bed, let the dogs out, went into the kitchen to make coffee…forgot why I went into the kitchen, went back into my bedroom, thought about getting dressed, remembered that I needed a shower first, went into the bathroom, remembered the dogs were out, went into the front foyer, remembered they were in the back yard, went to the backdoor and let the dogs in, then went into my bedroom, seen my clothes on the bed, remembered I needed a shower first, stood in the bathroom thinking about why I was in there, went into the kitchen to make coffee first, stood in the kitchen trying to remember why I was there…finally made coffee, (didn’t shower yet)…tried to go online (spotty internet)…went to some favorite blogs, felt a little twinginess in my belly, so I went to the bathroom…then went into the kitchen where the dogs were asking for their morning treat (this reminded me that my coffee was ready)…drank coffee, remembered to give dogs treat (this is not always the case)…after Bud ate his Scooby snack, he acted like he didn’t get one (He is on to me, and taking advantage of Mama’s screwy memory lately!) After I drank my coffee…IT hit!!!
Spent the next half hour or so on the porcelain throne.
Took shower…
Texted husband…
He is alright, thank the Lord!
The meat I cooked last night and thought was only out albeit pre-cooked and thawed for only a couple days…was out way longer than that…now thinking back to last camping trip a week ago?! I’ve poisoned myself with tainted meat because of my horrible memory…I’m just thankful that Jeff is alright (so far).
Looks like its TUMS and Imodium AD for breakfast this morning.
It is another beautiful, sunny, and cool day outside (foggy inside).
Had a real nice talk with Deb on the phone today…I told her about my memory problems, and she was a good listener. She also gave me some great advice…one thing she said was I should use my phone to help me to remember things…and that I needed to talk with Jeff and the girls about the changes I have experienced since the end of treatment…these things are lasting. Also, not to feel like I always had to be strong…this gives them a false image of me, and that might not be why I have support when I need it sometimes, or why people have impossible expectation of me. So the next time Ginny asks for me to drive down there to go with her for her lawyer/court appointment, I will just explain to her that although I am still her Mom, and I do love her, that I have changed because of this illness…and cannot do all the things I could before.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
I am very depressed.
It is now August 26th, 2015
It feels as though summer is over. I love that the days are cooler! I do realize, however that there are still some hot days ahead before the summer season is really over with. All the kids and grandkids have visited during the summer, and Jeff and I have camped in our camper in the backyard a few times...though we plan to visit one of our favorite state parks before it gets too cold sometime this fall...Lord willing.
It has been a huge adjustment to accept that the agoraphobia cannot simply be willed away! Believe it or not, up until that visit to the ER last June when I became paralyzed head to toe from anxiety while at church one Sunday, I really thought all these years that I could somehow just cowboy up and ignore the anxiety in order to do things, and go places...but, now I know that there is a limit to what I can do on my own, even with medication for the anxiety. So, like many other things that have come into my life of fifty years...I am learning to cope with it, to accept that it is a part of my life...and if The Lord will not remove it from me, then I must learn to live with it...and like cancer, I must not only survive, but thrive in spite of it! So I will write about it. I'll learn about it and then teach about it, for that is a better plan than trying to hide it....It is what it is, and God can use it.
Monday, June 01, 2015
Today I got my blood work done in Clare. The girls in there all remarked on how long it’s been since I was there.
I will find out next Monday how my blood counts are doing.
I came home and went to take my medicine, and realized that I was completely out of the venlafaxin! It needs to be phoned in to my doctor’s office today. I will have to go without it for a couple days now…I am afraid of the consequences of doing that.
Sarah said she and Josh would be coming for a visit today…it’ll be nice to see them. It is very sunny but cool outside (foggy inside) today.
Tuesday, June 02, 2015
Ok, so up until today my chemo brain has been funny at times and annoying and frustrating always…but today it took a turn for the worst and became down-right dangerous!
I awoke this morning and made my bed, let the dogs out, went into the kitchen to make coffee…forgot why I went into the kitchen, went back into my bedroom, thought about getting dressed, remembered that I needed a shower first, went into the bathroom, remembered the dogs were out, went into the front foyer, remembered they were in the back yard, went to the backdoor and let the dogs in, then went into my bedroom, seen my clothes on the bed, remembered I needed a shower first, stood in the bathroom thinking about why I was in there, went into the kitchen to make coffee first, stood in the kitchen trying to remember why I was there…finally made coffee, (didn’t shower yet)…tried to go online (spotty internet)…went to some favorite blogs, felt a little twinginess in my belly, so I went to the bathroom…then went into the kitchen where the dogs were asking for their morning treat (this reminded me that my coffee was ready)…drank coffee, remembered to give dogs treat (this is not always the case)…after Bud ate his Scooby snack, he acted like he didn’t get one (He is on to me, and taking advantage of Mama’s screwy memory lately!) After I drank my coffee…IT hit!!!
Spent the next half hour or so on the porcelain throne.
Took shower…
Texted husband…
He is alright, thank the Lord!
The meat I cooked last night and thought was only out albeit pre-cooked and thawed for only a couple days…was out way longer than that…now thinking back to last camping trip a week ago?! I’ve poisoned myself with tainted meat because of my horrible memory…I’m just thankful that Jeff is alright (so far).
Looks like its TUMS and Imodium AD for breakfast this morning.
It is another beautiful, sunny, and cool day outside (foggy inside).
Had a real nice talk with Deb on the phone today…I told her about my memory problems, and she was a good listener. She also gave me some great advice…one thing she said was I should use my phone to help me to remember things…and that I needed to talk with Jeff and the girls about the changes I have experienced since the end of treatment…these things are lasting. Also, not to feel like I always had to be strong…this gives them a false image of me, and that might not be why I have support when I need it sometimes, or why people have impossible expectation of me. So the next time Ginny asks for me to drive down there to go with her for her lawyer/court appointment, I will just explain to her that although I am still her Mom, and I do love her, that I have changed because of this illness…and cannot do all the things I could before.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
I am very depressed.
It is now August 26th, 2015
It feels as though summer is over. I love that the days are cooler! I do realize, however that there are still some hot days ahead before the summer season is really over with. All the kids and grandkids have visited during the summer, and Jeff and I have camped in our camper in the backyard a few times...though we plan to visit one of our favorite state parks before it gets too cold sometime this fall...Lord willing.
It has been a huge adjustment to accept that the agoraphobia cannot simply be willed away! Believe it or not, up until that visit to the ER last June when I became paralyzed head to toe from anxiety while at church one Sunday, I really thought all these years that I could somehow just cowboy up and ignore the anxiety in order to do things, and go places...but, now I know that there is a limit to what I can do on my own, even with medication for the anxiety. So, like many other things that have come into my life of fifty years...I am learning to cope with it, to accept that it is a part of my life...and if The Lord will not remove it from me, then I must learn to live with it...and like cancer, I must not only survive, but thrive in spite of it! So I will write about it. I'll learn about it and then teach about it, for that is a better plan than trying to hide it....It is what it is, and God can use it.
BTW: I had a CAT scan of my brain at the end of June when I went to the ER, it was normal...Praising the Lord that the lesions have not grown larger yet!
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