Not good news

I got some pretty awful news at my Oncology appointment yesterday.

I have a genetic mutation in the TP53 gene..which is a very important gene (nick-named the "Guardian" of the genome)..This is where the instructions are kept like a blueprint to create the proteins needed to suppress tumor growth,

I still need a blood test to determine which kind it is as there is a whole body type..meaning I would develop all kinds of cancer (which is unlikely I have since I've never had any other cancers in all my years)..and then there's the type specific kind..in my case I will continually develop breast cancer tumors..resistant to many of the chemotherapies..especially Adriamycin (So I went through that for nothing!)

The worst news is that it is usually passed down to generations..so my three daughters will all be tested for this.

Please pray that they do not have this mutation! I've been in tears since yesterday..especially while having to tell my children this over the phone!

There is currently no treatment for this mutation and the prognosis is very bad. (less than a year survival)

But...

Only God is in control of that!

He has written out each of my days..even while I was still in my mother's womb..

And if he decides to take me home sooner than I thought..It is for reasons only he knows..and he knows best!

I Walk The Line

I walk the line..as the old song goes.

I don't believe in God because I read about him in some book, or someone told me stories about him. Although those things made me want to believe that he was real..

No, I believe in God because I challenged him NOT to love me.

I did something that I thought would disqualify me from his love.
back then that's what I did, I would usually try to sabotage relationships in my life before the person could get a chance to hurt or abandon me in some way. I guess I would draw first blood. Ha! but that could not work with the one whose blood could cover all my sin..This time it was Jesus who drew that first blood..his own!

And then I had an experience with the presence of God.

 He told me that he loved me.

It was the most amazing experience in my life...I was forever changed.

But..I've always walked a certain line, a strange barrier between this world and the other.

I believe it started when I was a small child.

I always talked to God, though I was never taught very much about him, I never went to Sunday School or church with my family.
Whenever someone would falsely accuse me of something I would always tell them with complete confidence that it didn't matter what they believed..God knew the truth!
I did attend Catholic Mass once with an elderly neighbor whom we affectionately called 'Lucky'. Lucky was a widow who lived alone.
She and I first met when I was hiding from a boy between her garage and my grandma's in the city.
She peeked up at me from where she had been tending her garden and asked if I wanted some green beans...I timidly came out from my hiding place and joined her in her garden. I've been hooked on fresh green beans from the garden ever since!
 She was very refined and educated. She sewed a dress for me..and I was allowed to spend the night with her once.
She tucked me in with a hot water bottle at my feet. The dark wood frame of the single bed shined, and the linens were crisp and white and I felt like a special guest! She would make us tea in her ornate but neat parlour where she would tell me about her life in the olden days, and then she would listen to me talk about art and animals and all the things that I loved. I would sit at her big piano and run my fingers along the keys.. She wanted to teach me to play, but before that could happen my grandma moved away, and soon Lucky became only a bright memory from my childhood days.
I still recall the awe of walking into the church with Lucky..my first experience of attending church.
Later I would attend another Catholic church with a family in the trailer park we lived in when I was older. My mother was not religious but my stepfather was a Catholic and we would watch the Choirs sing at Christmas on TV every year. He had a large painting of the Madonna holding the Christ child hanging in their bedroom.
Of course my grandma would always talk to me about God and she liked to watch Oral Roberts on TV..I loved my Grandma most of anyone in the world. I look forward to seeing her in Heaven someday. My Mother also.
These days living with metastatic breast cancer, I am finding that I am walking another kind of line..the one between life and death. Though I suppose it's not really so different than the one I have always walked between this world and God's Kingdom.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.   

 He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

 

    He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

    for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

    I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

    your rod and your staff,

    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

    my cup overflows.

 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

    forever.

Psalm 23

The Promise Of Glory

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.
Romans 8:18

Happy?..But I have cancer!

Are you happy?

Before you jump to an answer for this age-old question..let me ask something else first:

Are you angry?
Are you sad?
Are you fearful..confused?

Ok, so that last one, maybe you are confused by now? That's Ok..I'll try to fix that, lol :)

Let's start with a definition for happiness:

(According to Merriam-Webster)


Definition of happiness

1obsolete :good fortune :prosperity

• all happiness bechance to thee
•  —William Shakespeare

2a :a state of well-being and contentment :joy

b :a pleasurable or satisfying experience 

• I wish you every happiness in life.

So according to this definition, happiness is a state of  well-being.

contentment, and a pleasurable or satisfying experience.

What this says to me is:

a. It is temporary. Since you will not always find yourself in a state of well-being, nor can one possibly always have pleasurable or satisfying experiences..then happiness is not a static or unchanging state of being..just as angry, sad, fearful..etc..are not permanent states of being..Thank God!

b. Happy cannot be used to define you, or your life..happiness is better defined as a moment, or moments of our life experiences...and not what we are.

c. Happiness is subject to experiences, emotions, a feeling of well-being, and as such it cannot drive the human experience in order to negate any experiences or emotions or other temporary states of being. In other words, it is driven by these things and cannot change the fact that we will indeed suffer periods of fear, anger, discomfort, or other circumstances that would cause us to be anything but happy! It is driven..does not always drive us.

So, what does the Bible have to say about happiness?

Actually, the words for happiness may be: JOY, CHEERFUL, CONTENT, 

*For the sake of this essay, and as far as the above definition is concerned, the word JOY is the best way to describe true Christian happiness, as you shall see below.

Here are only a few of many examples from scripture:

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.

 James 5:13

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds

James 1:2

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 
Gal. 5:22-23

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

Phil. 4:4

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Ps. 30:12

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

John 15:9-11

There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!” You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.

Ps. 4:6-7

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Ps. 16:11

6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9 Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

1Tim. 6:6-11

1 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Phil.4:11-13

True Christian happiness, or joy!

Ok, so after reading these scriptures, do you see a certain pattern emerging?

Unlike the first definition of happiness, specifically in relation to its dependance on a certain experience or state of well-being, or pleasure..The joy in these scriptures, contentment and even cheerfulness..is NOT dependant on any outward circumstance..This state of being is in a static (non-changing) attitude of happiness and is dependant solely on our relationship, our trust, our rejoicing in THE LORD!

It defies our circumstances!

Blessings & Love,

And always remember,

We are..

~Never Forsaken~

'God bless America' was sang in tears tonight

Tonight I was at a candlelit vigil for the son of one of my oldest and dearest friends from church. 
He and his wife were among the killed in the texas church yesterday.
I cannot imagine her pain..but one thing I do know about her is she is one of the strongest women of faith I have ever known, and she will get through this with the Lord's help.

It's so heartbreaking. 
We sang 'God Bless America' among other songs..God, love, & family will prevail over all the evil of this world.

We shouldn't be here!

Today was a good day. 

Although I had to wait outside in the truck while Jeff did the shopping, it was a beautiful drive north where we get our weekly groceries! 

Once home and after putting the items away, I spoke with our youngest on the phone for awhile..mostly about God and science..two of our favorite subjects.

Did you know that according to the world's leading scientists at CERN: "We should not exist."?

It's true..

Link to article here:

Well, if you understand the basics of matter vs. anti-matter and you believe in our Creator..you can understand the concept of just how fragile this existence is, and how  God the Father who (as Spirit) and Christ (as Son)  being the epiphany of the perfect union between matter and anti-matter. And without the confines of time and space..Well, as the Word declares "ALL things are possible through Jesus Christ our Lord!

And they are right to an extent..We shouldn't be here..we shouldn't exist..if not for the absolute will of the Creator, it is impossible.

So, as I was talking on the phone, I was saying how much I wanted to take a walk out there in the glorious nature that surrounds us..and then I was reminded that cancer is not the only physical problem that I have to deal with..My wonky back went out.

So the above photo was the best I can do for today..It was taken from where I sit here at the computer as I write this..

Ah well,

I'm still grateful for this pretty day!

And that is all that matters..gratitude for the blessings that we are given.

Because, after all..We shouldn't even be here.

My Defenses are Low

Today I got my CBC results.. I have low WBC, platelets and Neutrophils.
I do not have much of an immune system.
Praying the Neulesta shot kicks in and the numbers go up!
I'm so glad Jeff has the rest of this week off!

A Safe Haven

It's hard to find encouragment online when you are diagnosed with MBC..I have been on the breastcancer.org website where I am a member there since the initial diagnosis back in 2013. There are many wonderful forums to participate in as well as articles to educate me about this disease..but there is also a button to click in order to go to blogs that are written by other women in my situation..with metastatic disease..The moderators advise to visit these blogs. I have been, nearly everyday, with one result. There are not too many still active. The reason is because their authors are no longer with us..some passed not too long after I thought I was out of the woods and stopped reading, talking, or writing about cancer more than a year ago, others more recently..I feel like I ran so very fast and far away from the subject of breast cancer, and I feel guilty for doing that now. Now that I have it back, I am hanging onto anything, anyone who can show me that it is possible to stay alive with this disease, and to actually live life with it!
I'm not ready to die..not yet. Of course I am not the one who decides..God does.
I have found a handful, a small handful of bloggers out there who are managing to live beyond the median of one to three years, and who are (mostly) still feeling well enough to write, but it is hard to ignore the stark reality of how many on that list are now gone.

So I've been wrapped up in a heavy cloak of discouragement these last few days.

And then I remembered what I've learned so long ago..If you can't find it..Be it. Maybe this is my turn to shine some light? To lead by example, to be there for the next woman who finds herself thrown into this dark and scary world of MBC.

Back in the eighties and nineties when I went against the grain of societal norms and decided to forego a career and stay home with my three daughters, when I gave up the 'American dream,' of having a beautiful big home and new cars in order to be home when my children climbed down from their school bus, or to be there at the school with them as a regular volunteer/helper..Back then I had a hard time finding any support, anyone to identify with in my community.  (this was the pre-internet world.) I decided to become my own expert stay at home mom and homemaker..learning to bake bread and formulate fun games and projects for my kids and the neighbor kids during the summer..and then something happened..I started to become THAT mom..The one where the kids wanted to come over for homemade cookies and story-time..the one that people would actually drop their child off  and drive away! Yes, really it happened more than once, and different people too! We were the 'Safe haven' and when the neighbor kids got too bored with all our rules and stuff..they moved on..onto more dangerous places, more excitement and freedom from anything or anyone deemed safe.

So, here I am living in this tiny forested community in the great "UP NORTH"..nearly fifty miles from the city where I recieve all my cancer treatment..there are no yoga classes, or counselors here.
The only time breast cancer visits this town is in the strange form of a local group of people who dress their men up in frilly pink bras and raise money to "Save the Boobies."..I am not even going to write anything more on that..time is too precious to waste. Suffice to say, we live in a weird and kinda wild place..maybe that's why so many neighbor kids were so wild back then. My three had us, their safe haven for as long as they needed.

So, here I am again..trying to create a place, forging anew into a very uncertain future in a wild and scary world called 'Cancer'..Welcome to my world.

The people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.”
Matthew 4:16

What a Week!

My PET scan last Tuesday showed a cancer in the right Axillry node of my armpit about 3 cm..and a suspect (hopefully just arthitis) on my T1-T2 vertebrae.
So, almost my entire family and I showed up at Dr, H's office expecting only to get scan results byt I ended up having my first chemo that day also! And only one day after the port placement too!
So, the plan is to treat with Adriamycin and Cytoxin first, then re-scan to see if it is effective, then on to Herceptin/Perjeta (indefinately) and rads to the node.
Dr. H seems very confident that this will put the beast to rest,maybe for years!

I have three more chemo treatments to do before we settle into the maintenance regime.

So, me and daughter Sam went and got me a haircut and a new wig to match the haircut the next day.

The girls had some fun together with their Dad and I over the weekend..although I crashed Saturday after doing some shopping and overdid a bit.

Today (4 days post chemo) I am feeling good. It's the first day without the steroids. I expected to be more tired or sore, but I am doing alright..pacing myself though since I know if I don't I will be done for the day real quick!
My port area is very bruised and ugly looking, but it does not hurt anymore and I can even sleep on that side now!
We are praying that this chemo takes away the tumor, and that the area on my spine is only arthritis!
Dr. H said he has seen this same treatment work for the same diagnosis before, and believes the tumor will be gone.

With God all things are possible..and with prayer we ask~In Jesus~Amen!

Imagine Dragons - Radioactive

The scan wasn't so bad. I had a nice long nap..I came hoem and had some coffee..I'm slightly radioactive for a few hours now.

Bacon and Donuts

When I found out that the cancer came back I went through some weird emotions. It hit me most on the second night...I cried myself to sleep. Jeff and I both. So the next day I decided that I might as well eat whatever I wanted, so I ate way too much and drank way too much (for me that is two glasses of wine)..I suffered the consequences. Once I recovered the next morning I told Jeff we were going to the cider mill for our annual donut.
Once there while we stood in line Jeff asked how many donuts did I want? I replied, "just one." He asked: "That's all?"..I looked at him and said.."No way, this year I'm having two!.. what's the worst that can happen..I die from a heart attack?"
So I declared that my new diet was going to be the two things that I have limited myself on since I was 25 and found out I had high cholesterol: bacon and donuts!
So, Now I have to have my first ever PET scan tomorrow and I was given an instruction sheet for how to prep for the scan and to my dismay I am supposed to eat a high protein, low carb diet prior to the test..The sample menu given for meals includes...
BACON for every meal!
But no donuts.
Life really is funny..even with cancer.

I don't want to be brave anymore!

This is a sketch my best friend drew a few years ago

Two days ago I felt ready for this fight..Yesterday I had my brain scanned..they could not easily access my vein, as usual. I felt despair start tugging at me. I wanted to cry at the thought of my poor veins being poked and prodded on a regular basis now..again,
My back still aches from having to lay still in that MRI yesterday..I don't know how I'm going to manage it for three times as long on Tuesday..and how many times will they have to poke and dig around inside my arm this time? Then the very next day..do it again in order to place the port into my artery. That hurts, by the way..getting the port. I know now. I did not know that it would hurt so bad the first time, but I know now.
So now I am feeling mad.
I don't want to lose my hair again.
It's so hard to feel like a normal person without hair..I hate this!
I want to yell at someone. But it's nobody's fault.
I am mad at God and he knows it because I told him so. Even if I didn't say something, God knows what is in our heart and on our mind..so there's no use pretending that I am not mad at him.
Why so much suffering in this world, God?
Not just me..My family..They are hurting, and it is not fair!
All the innocent little kids with cancer, and the young moms who aren't going to see their kids grow up because of this disease.
I will never understand it..not this side of heaven anyway.

It's all happening so fast!

This photo reminds me of a quiet place that I love.

This morning I had my first echocardiogram since 2014..My heart is good and strong..ready to fight!
I got my blood work done, which is always tricky with me since I have terrible veins. It doesn't help that they can only use the left arm because of the lymph/breast surgery in 2013.

Tomorrow is a brain MRI. Her 2+ cancer is more likely to come back in the brain, so this is a necessity. I had two scans before back in 2015 because I was having balance issues. They found (benign) lesions back then.
I will be able to rest up for a couple days until I go Tuesday for a PET scan, and then Wednsday I will have my port placed so that I can recieve chemotherapy. I remember when I got that done before, it hurt that night and I did not sleep.
Thursday we will see Dr. H. to get the scan results and probably devise a plan of action.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 
 1Peter 5:7

I'm feeling shattered!

Thank you, my dear friend!

Am I living or dying?

Both.

It's only been five days since we've known that I have stage 4 Metastic breast cancer now.

I cannot even describe the emotional roller coaster my family and I have been on!

Where to start..I've decided I will not start back at the time of the first cancer since that is already posted about on this blog from what now seems like a hundred years ago!

Instead I will begin this new chapter..or (keeping with the theme of this blog)..This new room in this world of cancer-life with the pathology report:

It's kinda small and was a pic taken with my phone..Basicly what it says is that I have metastatic breast cancer that is hormone receptor positive and Her 2 receptor positive..It is also a grade 3 cancer which is the worst in terms of aggression.
The good news: It is considered triple positive, which means there are some targeted therapies available for treatment.
Bad news: It can NOT ever be cured. I will be in some form of treatment for the rest of my life now..at least for as long as my body can take it, and/or the treatment(s) are effective.
This could be years. That is the hope.

Just a short post

Well, it's been a couple days now since I was told that I now have metastic breast cancer.
Just when I started thinking of myself as a breast cancer survivor..and I started bragging about only having one prescription to take each day since I weaned myself off of the anti-depressant, Paxil which really made me stuck in neutral as far as emotions were concerned..Oh and now I am wondering about possibly reconsidering not using some form of anti-depressant.
This first post about this new diagnosis will be a short one..I am spending this weekend lovin on my man and getting ready for a visit from our oldest tomorrow.