My own 'Room' story

I have finished reading 'Room' by Emma Donahue...it is a movie now too. You can Google it and watch the trailer...It's a very good read.
It brought back some of my own childhood memories. Although I wasn't as young as the character 'Jack' in the story, I was confined to my room for many years when I was a child. Six years total...and my own Ma helped to make it(my room), into a world all my own, complete with a TV (which was unheard of in a kid's room back in those days). I remember reading through a set of medical and science encyclopedias that were stored in my closet. I had to sneak them though because I was not supposed to bother them as my stepdad's family had brought them from Hungary a long time ago. Thankfully, they were written in English.

 Also, unlike the story, I didn't have a cuddly relationship with my mom, nor did we play games or do anything together, as she would get in trouble with the stepdad if she spent too much time in my room with me...She was really held prisoner there herself, only instead of not being allowed out of a room, she wasn't allowed in it...She had to always be out there with him in the small living room, far away at the other end of the trailer, away from me.

Unlike the child in the story, I was allowed to go to school, but unfortunately I really hated school, the other kids always bullied me because I was different...I couldn't wait to come home, and after chores I had to go back into my room, that's where I ate, and read books, did artwork, and watched TV.

I really loved anything science or nature related, and I usually watched PBS shows. Of course, back then there were only 3 or four channels to choose from.
Well, there is much more to this story, but I am mentally exhausted just from thinking about it all again.
Maybe I'll write more about it at some other time.

Revive

 The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;   Psalm. 19:7

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. Is. 57:15

I'm reviving this blog in an effort to share what everyday life as a cancer survivor with agoraphobia and panic disorder is really like...So here goes!

Today I have Bible study.
Last week it was cancelled because of heavy snowfall. The week before that, I had a bad panic attack just before it was time to leave, and I was scared because it lasted a long time and then just when it passed and I thought it was going to be OK to leave, another one began. I called Jeff and told him I did not want to chance having another bad attack that might paralyze me again...especially when I am alone and driving, I really cut it close last time when I barely made it into my yard before slumping over the steering wheel and having to go to the ER.
So here I am asking the Lord for more grace once again...Doris called yesterday and asked if I'd be there today...I've already missed church twice, last Sunday I wasn't feeling well, and the Sunday before we had that snow storm. I know with the Lord's help I can do this...I can get into my van and drive the 7 miles to the church, and once I get there and see my friends...It will all be worth it!

There are two older ladies, one of whom is my Bible study teacher, and the other is Doris, both of whom were at this church waaay back when I used to take my girls there when they were little; these two women are like my mothers, and they are aware of the anxiety and agoraphobia, and how hard I must fight to go to church and Bible study. They literally have to hold my hand sometimes, and they completely understand when there are times I must get up and leave to go sit in the ladies room during the 'meet and greet' part of the services. And Flo, my teacher tells me how proud she is of me when I am able to actually stay through it and greet people too. This is very encouraging.
So, I'm doing this.
I don't want to keep going into my bathroom and face the scripture that I have hanging next to the mirror every single day that says:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13
and not put those words into action!
And in the words of an old song...
"Here I go again on my own, facing all the lonely roads I've ever known ..So I've made up my mind, I ain't wastin' no more time." (by: Whitesnake 1982 'saints and sinners' album)

From the Hilltop



He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights.

Psalm 18:33



 

It has been such a long time since I've written a post!

The weather is beginning to cool, and the days are growing shorter as we approach autumn in the north woods once again.

I am doing what I do naturally at this time of year...I turn inward.

I am a nester, and as an agoraphobic, I  tend to find security and comfort within the walls of my home...or within the canopy of trees in our forest yard. My dear husband and faithful dogs by my side.

I am out of active cancer treatment at this time...It has been nine months since my last infusion and I now only bear the scar where my port catheter once was. It is a testimony to the year that the Good Lord allowed me to endure life with cancer. It was also a year of GRACE, extra grace!

I am now relegated to seeing my oncologist every six months, and to seeing my surgeon every six months as well, I have an appointment coming up with the latter. I will be discussing the fact that now, nearly two years later, I am having quite a lot of discomfort in the area where I had the double mastectomy...lots of tightness and a stinging, burning sensation that I refer to as 'cigarette burns'...(I got burned on my knee accidently when I was little when I swung up onto my oldest brother's neck while he was holding his cigarette, and I ran my knee into it.) THAT is the sensation that I get pretty much daily now around my side and back area adjacent to the mastectomy scar...It is the regeneration of nerve endings...or phantom pain. The tightness occurs all across my chest and feels like a tight vice squeezing me...this is often referred to as an 'iron bra' feeling...Well, lately it feels as though there are brass knuckles pushing into my ribcage as well! I am not complaining though...I have actually grown quite accustomed to these weird sensations, and I know it could be so much worse! After all I am still alive and able to write this...so I do still have all of my faculties, and I really do believe that God has made / is making me a better person through everything I have endured.

It is strange, but I am actually having a tougher time dealing with the anxiety than I ever had with going through cancer! I recently needed to go to the ER because I had a paralyzing anxiety attack at church two months ago...and I have not been able to go back since. In fact, I've not been able to go anywhere by myself other than to the Lake to meet with my friend Deb, and to the park for our ladies Bible study group picnic. I do miss attending church, but as the ER doctor stated...I cannot push myself too far alone, and going someplace where there is so much sensory stimulation (the sights and sounds, and even the various smells) of a large group of people...is just too much for me to handle.

I was able to handle going to the oncologist every three weeks for my infusion for a year, because it was always very quiet in there, and I felt safe and secure there after only a couple appointments...so it became one of my 'safe zones'...You see, we agoraphobics have certain 'safe zones' and 'safe people'...these are places and people that we can be in and with without experiencing the dreaded anxiety and suffer the impending panic attacks that keep us homebound most of the time.

So, why am I writing now after all this time? It is pretty simple...my internet service has been working better than ever now after many months with slow, sometimes non existent service! Also, as I found with trying to find blogs dealing with breast cancer from a Christian perspective, I have not been very successful finding blogs dealing with agoraphobia from a Christian perspective either...let alone anyone who is a Christian with breast cancer and agoraphobia both! So, here I am creating a blog about an agoraphobic Christian woman with breast cancer. I have always prided myself on being a one of a kind, lol!

So, what is God doing in my life lately? I have been asking myself that question quite a lot, especially since that last really bad panic attack struck me in church...after all, I thought he wanted me to be back in church...Well, I am forced to look not at the circumstances in my life, but to focus on the Lord's will for me...how he has equipped and gifted me with spiritual gifts in order to be of some use to His Kingdom here on earth. After all, He has set me upon this hill in order to gain a new perspective.

Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works,

and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

 Matt.5:16

So, here I am, writing about my strange life in hopes of reaching out to someone who is in a similar situation, hoping to be able to encourage and even help them with their own struggle either with cancer or with anxiety or both...maybe you are not living with anxiety to the extreme that I am, or maybe you have a different form of cancer, or other serious life threatening disease, I don't know...but it is my hope that you can find something of use , some kind of comfort as you read the words I write down on these pages. If you are reading this, maybe God sent you here, maybe you are my reason for writing this today?

 

Blessings & Love, and always remember...

we are... ~Never Forsaken~