Not a pretty Ribbon

 

This is October. The month of PINK. Although pretty much every person on the planet is aware of what breast cancer is by now, and can recognize the iconic pink ribbon,very few have ever seen nor do they recognize the ribbon that was designed specifically for the only type of breast cancer that actually kills its victims. The cancer that started in the breast, but has spread also to other parts of the body, most commonly the liver, lungs, bones and brain. This cancer is called Metastatic breast cancer and it is fatal. There is no cure.

A few years ago my friend and I were standing in line in a bank. It was October and there were posters adorned with pink lettering saying "Save the boobies!" Above the posters were various stuffed pink bras hanging. This was a message intended to educate people on the importance of finding breast cancer early as to avoid needing a mastectomy..or that's what I'm guessing it meant? I also remember the poor Amish man who was standing in line behind us. I felt embarrassed enough for the both of us. 

As a breast cancer patient (for life)..I felt a bit offended at this message. I told my friend that it is not as much about "saving the boobies" as it is about saving the lungs, the liver, the bones and especially the brain! That should be the poster! Lord knows a woman can live a reasonably normal life without boobies. But, well we need our lungs and brain and other organs way more.

So, that is my little rant for now. I have so much more that I could say on the subject, but it's better if I don't.

Instead I'll talk about my brain for a minute. I had a brain scan last week, and although there is no cancer in my brain, I do have something called a 'cavernous malformation' on the right thalamus. Its just over 1 cm..and it is inactive, or has "been resolved" since my last scan in 2018, That is good news, but this lesion may also be why I'm having so many nerve issues. We don't know and we are not gonna go poking around deep inside my brain for the answers. My nerve tests showed low normal results. It is assumed that I have something called 'Small Fiber Sensory Neuropathy', since that does not show up in either of the tests that were given me. 

It's a wait and see if it ( my symptoms) improve or not with more time.

God is in control and God is good.

This post was rather different than my normal post probably because it is 4 am and I have not slept yet.

I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore but that's alright, I write it mostly for me, as a way to sort through, or process the things in my life.

But to anyone who does happen across this post...

Blessings & Love

and remember, we are...

~Never Forsaken~

 It's August 2021! It's been more than a year since I've posted..I have made attempts to post, written here and there, but just never felt compelled to hit that publish button.

What a wild year it has been too..Well, for our family it's been a wild couple of years. 

I'll begin with the most relevant event(s)..June 2, 2019..I attended my granddaughter (Erna's) birth! I was one of the first to see her little face (She was born facing up..what the nurses call "sunny-side-up") and after that very long night in which we actually slept in the hospital parking lot for a couple of hours, we returned home and got a text "Mom and dad, I'm ok but in the hospital getting my appendix removed" This, from our oldest daughter..I had my bags packed already intending to stay a few days with our youngest who had just given birth, so I had a choice to make. It was only appendix removal, a simple operation, but our oldest daughter had a surgery some time before this and had trouble waking up from the anesthetic..so..I was going to go be with her about two hundred miles away..THEN the phone rings" "I'm in the hospital..It's pretty bad, can you come..I'm scared!" Now this was our middle daughter who was seven months pregnant and seriously ill with a new diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis, and her blood (hemoglobin) was dangerously low so they were admitting her! My bags were packed..I needed to assess which child needed me the most (I was basically doing triage in my head) I drove myself more than four hundred miles away, a five hour trip..I stayed with my daughter three nights in the hospital, and a couple weeks after. 

This was only months after I had completed several rounds of heavy duty chemo followed by 33 rounds of radiation. And it was during the end of that treatment when I went to take care of our oldest daughter after she had her digestive system re sectioned. 

Two months after our middle daughter's hospital stay, it was time to go back to be with her after the birth of our youngest granddaughter Olivia..Whom I also got to meet as soon as she was born on August 22nd! 

I like to tell this whole story because of the need to have and keep hope..Both these granddaughters were surprise babies..both were miracles..One was thought to have been a miscarriage..but she struggled to survive in the womb..and is perfectly healthy since birth!..The other baby's parents were told that they could never conceive, but God had other plans!  

The third miracle here, is me. 

Just one year prior, these three daughters and my husband were discussing the possibility of needing to care for me, as we were planning for the very real possibility of my becoming too ill to care for myself while my husband worked.

Well, I guess God had other plans too. Although I am heartbroken that one of my daughters has a very serious incurable disease, I know she is a fighter like me..and so is her little daughter! They will be strong no matter what comes their way in life.

I was allowed to be here to see my youngest daughter's dream of becoming a mother came true! And she is an excellent mother too.

And, although I have been through a lot myself..I feel so blessed to be given the strength to be there for all my children despite the belief that I would not live very long. I have been able to care for myself while my husband works full time (even lots of overtime)..And the cancer remains in remission. They still say there is no cure, but you can call it whatever you want..I am still here, still working hard around the home, and still hopeful about tomorrow!

What comes next for me? Well, I am seeing a neurologist for tests on all four limbs. It appears I have no reflexes..none! I get discouraged some days when I can do very little because of the pain, weakness, loss of sleep..etc..but, I remain hopeful! God is still bigger than this. My hands are strong despite their lack of sensation, so that is good! In fact, during my exam I cracked the doctor's knuckles when he asked me to squeeze, haha!

I give the credit for this to my nightly playing an online game with my daughter. We have so much fun riding horses around a vast old western world collecting valuables to sell, or sedating animals to study, and exploring nature..sometimes shooting bad guys who are trying to kill us and deadly predators who are trying to eat us! My hands and fingers stay nimble from using the controller..and my mind stays off the pain. But the biggest thing is the enjoyment we both get together!

But it's not been all fun and games lately. My dear old oncologist passed away at the end of April. I had not seen him in over a year since his office closed down and I had to see a new doctor. And then my very best friend of over 25 years passed away on May 10th. I was devastated. yes, she is with our Lord..She's HOME! But..I lost the one person (usually the first person) that I could just pick up the phone and talk my heart out to.I  miss her every day. I'm happy for her..sad for me. I fell into a deep depression afterward, and I am only now coming out from that darkness. Other serious things happened within our little family unit..private things that plunged me even deeper. I am still grieving the death of our dear Buddy boy..our beloved hound dog who made our lives better throughout a long period of sickness..he was my comfort. Yes, we have our little Oliver..He is the sweetest little dog ever! I am so thankful I rescued him only eight months before Bud passed..such a comfort for me especially. He and I are inseparable!

Oliver's claws were long here because we were awaiting his vet appointment where he was going to get them trimmed for free while they cleaned his teeth.

 

And during the early months of the pandemic, I bought four chicks from the feed store. They are now fully fledged hens with big personalities! They were meant for eggs..but we get so much more out of them as, besides providing us the delicious eggs, they make us laugh..they also keep me busy!

 

In fact, just this weekend we finished building their new run and setting up the new coop!  

Well, That's about it!

Thank you for reading my extra long post.

Blessings & Love-and always remember, we are...

NEVER FORSAKEN!

The Precipice

THE PRECIPICE

I'm standing on the edge of a great precipice. I am affixed there by a strong yet unseen force.
I cannot move left nor right..oddly, I cannot take a step back from the edge either.
I lean slightly forward into the force.. This requires a faith beyond myself.
Still unmoved,  I'm held firmly in this narrow place.
There is no turning back.
I can see my feet, one partially extended beyond the cracked and crumbling rock, the slightest pressure sending shards of rock over and down..I can hear it hit and break as it sails downward into the steep side-wall until it is too broken and small to make any further sound..or it's just simply too far away to hear now.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I sense an ominous presence rushing up behind me. It is at a distance, yet steadily closing in. I do not know how far away it is, only that it is coming fast, bringing with it a fierce anger forged from an ancient hatred hell-bent on my destruction.
I can hear the  faint voices of my loved ones somewhere off to the side and behind me. I chance turning my head towards the familiar voices as they warn me to not look down..They are crying out to me about the unfairness of my present circumstance, but telling me  to try not to think about it too much.
Confused, I attempt to place a smile on my frozen face and reassure them that I will not fall, not yet anyway..even though I  seem to  be able to  actually feel the  vibration of heavy foot-falls approaching  from behind me now!
I do look down, and I imagine the force crashng into my back, knocking the wind from my lungs, and I  can see myself falling like the rocks at my feet as the force against my chest eases ever so slightly and gravity opens up to swallow me.
For now I am at the mercy of these two forces, but only one is truly merciful..the other has no power over the one that holds me here..so therefore, I shall remain until the time that is set for me to go.
This is what it feels like to know that you are dying from terminal cancer.
By:  Lisa Stager  2018

Another "Room"

Update..

I have finished 33 rounds of radiation!..

{Another "room" that I have passed through on my journey through cancer.}

 My certificate of completion signed by all the sweet and caring staff at the radiation oncology department in Midland hospital.

A plate that held the homemade cookies from a 'new' friend that I met there..She surprised me on my last day of radiation..We enjoyed our (almost) daily chats while waiting in the locker room for our appointments . Thank you, Jane!

 


❤️

GOOD NEWS!

Yesterday I got the results from the most recent genetic test and it says that I am NEGATIVE for ALL genetic mutations (Including TP53)!

This means that my prognosis is much better..It may mean the difference between surviving from a few months to a few years now!

The Path To Joy

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. 
Psalm 16:11

Living or Dying? Revisiting this topic..

For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's.
Romans 14:8

It's been four months since the cancer returned. I've had more time now to adjust to the idea..and to a new normal.
So, I thought I would revisit this idea of being in a state of both living and dying.
I have come to realize that I have a choice in the matter..living or dying. No, I cannot control when death may come..that is God's territory, only he knows this for each of us.
The choice I have is which perspective I will have..Let me explain..
I can say that "I am dying from cancer." and therefore I take on the perspective of a dying person..The lens that I have chosen to look through is filtered according to the fact that I will soon die..and that changes my outlook on pretty much everything in life. 
On the other hand, if I look at things from the perspective of having a disease that I am living with that will someday kill me..but likely not today or tomorrow or even next month..Well then, I will plan for and arrange my thought process accordingly..maybe in short three month increments instead of years. An example of this is planning ahead for Jeff's retirement. I don't dare try to project myself that far into the future (years away)..I am not dreaming about or planning for where we will live, what we will do, etc..Instead I plan my life around the next few months and plan ways in which we can spend some quality time together and with our family this summer. 
Another thing that I have been learning to do differently, is how I spend my time. Time investment is very important to a person in my situation. Something that I cannot afford any longer is to make a commitment to something that does not give me any short-term satisfaction or benefit right away. After all, I may not be around to reap the benefit of something I have put time and effort into. Instead I am enjoying the things that are here now, the little everyday things that maybe I have taken for granted before.
Well, these are my thoughts on this subject for now. My perspective may change again, but that is how life works. Change is inevitable..except when it comes to our Lord..He is the one constant, the only steady and dependable part of our life, and our death..and ultimately our resurrection into eternal life.