This is the story about the life of a woman changed forever by breast cancer.
This is my story.
From the beginning I have described this as a journey through rooms. Rooms that the Lord has gone before and prepared for me...Rooms in which I am never alone.


Why I write this blog...

To start afresh ...with a blog that shows the inside of my heart more...Who I am as a [real] person, a Christian woman, uniquely created by an Awesome God. This blog will mostly be about my life with breast cancer, anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia. Though these diseases do not define me, they are a part of my reality...& part of my life. I once said that I would not make 'My Heart's Home' all about cancer...and I found that hard not to do... since cancer became an uninvited, unwelcome guest in my life who threatened to take over unless I gave it a place and set some boundaries. Attempting to ignore its existence only gave it more power to wreak havoc as it threatened to dismantle the interior of my life while I struggled to keep it hidden in the shadows. So here I am writing this new blog.

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13
Wow...According to that scripture (which is speaking of evil things that are kept in secret) If I expose cancer by dragging its sorry butt out from the darkness where it lurks, and bring it out into the Light where we can take a good look at it...Shining the Light of Christ on it......then it can produce good things...right living and truth! ( vs.9)
8) In the past you were full of darkness, but now you are full of light in the Lord. So live like children who belong to the light. 9) This light produces every kind of goodness, right living, and truth..
14) Yes, everything is made clear by the light. This is why we say,“Wake up, you who are sleeping! Rise from death,and Christ will shine on you.”Ephesians 5: 8-14

Writing about my life gives me purpose...

Romans 8:28... And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
All things...not just the good things, the fun things, the nice things in life...If we love God and are living according to his purpose...everything will work out for our good...even cancer.
I hope this blog will reflect more of the true me, as I try to live my life in the light of Christ...I am not going to attempt to fit into any clique, I have never been able to fit into cliques anyway, and always seemed to lose a piece of myself while trying. Just like the human heart that beats within my chest, this blog is a part of me...It has inner chambers or rooms where few have entered in. This is where the truth resides...no phony facade, nothing artificial added ....Only the truth will be revealed here as I attempt to shine the light of Christ into every darkened corner in my life. So feel free to join me as we take a tour through the rooms of my life...but be forewarned: I tend to re-arrange a lot!

May you find many blessings and much love here...& always remember that we are... ~NEVER FORSAKEN~

Monday, October 25, 2021


 

Today I go for my routine echo cardiogram. One of the medications I'm on can damage the heart valves, so I must have my heart checked every three months. So far my heart is very healthy. Its been nearly four years now.

Last night we visited our daughter and her husband and our little granddaughter. I love getting down on the floor and playing with my two year old granddaughter! I can tell already that we are very alike in many ways. Later this week we will travel out of state to visit one of our other daughters and her husband and our other (youngest) two year old granddaughter also!

My oncologist is concerned about my state of mind. She worries that the depression may actually shorten my life. She says she's seen it happen before with another patient who was in remission until another doctor reminded him that his cancer would kill him in a very short time. She said as soon as that period of time came up, the man passed away. He was doing very well until then.

She told me that everything she is doing for me is about 30% of my success, and the other 70% is me!

My depression is caused by so many different things. Of course the pandemic, the loss of bodily function, loneliness and frustration. But the biggest thing for me is all the regrets about my past. Not so much things that other people have done to hurt me, but the hurtful things I've done to others. My life-evaluation is not looking very bright these days and I have little to no energy or resources to use to try and make things right. To be brutally honest, looking back, I really don't like the person I was and I feel like I am very different now from how I was back then! 

No matter how much we change, there are times when we must live with the consequences of our past actions and attitudes. This is not an easy thing to realize. Even for a Christian..maybe especially for a Christian, as we are held more responsible to how other people see us. We are to be examples of Christ..That is the very definition of "Christian". And I hate to admit this, but the truth is my idea of what Christ-likeness is was not always a very good one. I have been so judgemental at times that I became filled with anger and pushed people far away. I often forgot to look first at the beam in my own eye! 

I think a lot of this regret started to really surface when my best friend of more than two decades passed away in May of this year. We shared so many burdens. I now have no close friend. I have my husband and children and of course the Lord. But another woman of my generation to talk with was truly a gift, and you cannot just replace a person. I could find a new friend, but with the disease I'm living with there simply is no time left to forge a close friendship again. 

My husband is a great person, but he has different interests than I do and he works a lot. He comes home tired and just wants (needs) to relax in his own little world after a long day at work. I am blessed with a daughter that likes to play a video game with me every night. We both love horses so we share that love while spending a few hours together online in the game.

I suppose I am very blessed and have it better than many people. I really should not feel sorry for myself at all..but like I said before, it is about regret over my own past actions and attitudes that I am sorry for..not as much about what hurt I have suffered at the hand of someone else.

So today I will have my heart examined..and maybe this is why I am writing about the examination of my inner-heart as well. That is where the real damage is. I know God forgives. And for that I am truly thankful.

Blessings & Love

and remember, we are...

~Never Forsaken~

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